Hermann, Missouri’s high school band director is having a rough week after being accused of sending “sexually explicit” emails to a student. Something about blowing his woodwind we’re guessing.

Among the charges against 31-year-old Joshua James are furnishing pornography to a minor and “using a child in a sexual performance”.

The alleged contact took place between James and a 16-year-old female student in the Gasconade County school district, and reportedly involved illicit photos.

High school band director isn’t exactly a big-time gig or anything, but it still seems like a lot to gamble on hoping the fat girl won’t tattle on you for sending her dick photos.* Looking back on it now it did seem weird that when he would raise his arms up to hold a note, he would always do a little squeezing motion with his hands.

James has been released on bond and has resigned from his role as director.

* Oh whatever, we both know she’s probably a little round. Band chicks are like that. (If you’re not, send a photo. We’d love to see proof of the contrary.)

via KMOX

A former band Director for the Alton school district has been sentenced to six years in the joint for having, what KMOV is calling an “affair” with a 16-year-old student.

According to the Madison County State Attorney’s officer, 36-year-old Matthew Lang has to serve 85% of his sentence. He must also register as a sex offender.

Police say Lang had sex with the student more than once during school hours. Some of the encounters occurred at the school and others happened at locations away from the school.

Even more creepy, the guy has a mustache and a chinstrap beard. Gross. How do you drop of your 16 year old daughter in to this guy’s care for band practice when he looks like this?! Let me guess, you didn’t have to drop her off…Mr. Lang picked her up from your place in his window-less van with outside-locking doors and that big back of Snickers in the back.

Lang worked his way up from creepy janitor to band director by convincing the Alton school board he would be, with out a doubt, the best guy to teach high school girls how to blow in to something to make noise. Apparently Lang’s a moaner.

Ok, that last line even grossed us out.

…still gonna leave it in though.

via KMOV

You may have recently heard that Sedalia’s School District is run by spineless morons, well stories that stupid tend to grow legs on the internet and according to The Riverfront Times, the little T-Shirt Shop that created the shirt is now overrun with orders for the banned nerd-art.

Last week one of the owners of the shop told the RFT’s sister paper in Kansas City that the T-shirts have sold like hot cakes thanks to the online popularity of the ban.

We’re just getting too many requests,” says Jack Lewis, who co-owns Main Street with Mike Ingram. “We’re getting them from foreign countries, about all the states.”

Its things like this that renew my faith in humanity.

Dammit.  Now we want one too.

If you graduated from Sedalia, Missouri’s school district, you are probably a moron.  I’m just playing the odds here.  Why?  Well because apparently this wacky thing called science and specifically evolution isn’t cool enough to even be mentioned on a freaking t-shirt, let alone taught!

T-shirts promoting the Smith-Cotton High School band’s fall program have been recalled because of concerns about the shirt’s evolution theme.

The light gray shirts feature an image of a monkey progressing through various stages of evolution until eventually becoming a human. Each figure holds a brass instrument that also evolves, illustrating the theme “Brass Evolutions.”

The Assistant superintendent said the reason they actually listened to the morons that complained is because “the school districtis obligated to remain neutral on religion.” This is the #2 guy in charge of making that area’s kids smart, and he thinks evolution a religious issue.  Its not.  No, its absolutely not.  Evolution is science, if you disagree with tons of proof, fine, thats your call, you’re  a dipshit by the way, but thats fine.  However just because you “disagree” doesn’t make it a religious issue.  By that logic, Harry Potter is a religious issue because some retards think kids reading about witches makes jesus cry.

Don’t forget by the way that this isn’t even about teaching evolution, but about a joke tshirt that the freaking band had made!

You really suck Sedalia, Missouri.  I’m sorry if you happen to live there and don’t suck, and for the kids that want to, and I guess need to, learn about the world without some bullshit filter over it, there’s always Google.

via KSDK.com

…in fact, if you go to Sedalia High School, get a hold of me on the  tip line  or via email (editor[at]punchingkitty[dot]com).  I’d love to send you guys some shirts with the Punching Kitty logo and the headline to this article on them.