The 19-year old pictured above wearing his awesome wig, Darrion Taylor, was recently apprehended at the Alton Shop ‘N Save by the store’s security guard and his off-duty policeman father who was visiting the store that the time.

Taylor was trying to sneak out the following pork products totaling roughly $44 dollars:

• 2 packages of Pork Picnic Roast
• 2 packages of bacon
• 2 packages of Oreos
• 1 box of Peanut Butter Puffs cereal
• 1 package of “meat”
• 1 package of port shanks
• 1 package of Bar-S Jumbo Franks

From the looks of it also appears homeboy was smuggling a few hams in his shirt, but he may have had them already as KSDK didn’t list them in the oddly intricate details they provided for some reason. $44 dollars worth of pork products and being busted by a father and son team is all it takes to “earn” a local news report these days? The KSDK report even had people calling the arrest “heroic”, despite describing the takedown as following the guy in to the parking lot, telling him to stop, and then pulling his chubby ass out of the car he tried to get in to. How hard was it to catch this kid? He’s a fat guy wearing a wig! This didn’t need an act of heroism and a prime-time KSDK report, it needed a box, some bacon, a stick and some twine:

Sure you might also catch a few Raccoons, but just tell the security guard to only pull on the twine if you see the glint of a cheap wig with blonde highlights. That will limit your catches to just Taylor and feral hookers that have escaped from PT’s

Taylor is being held on a $20,000 bond after it was found that he had been previously banned from the Shop ‘N Save before for stealing items such as various other food products and the sex drive of anyone in eye-shot.

via KSDK

It took three firefighters to disloge this large woman and her motorized wheelchair from the mud when she tried to take her ass through a sloppy field while chasing her dog.

The only that would make this photo of three trained firemen lifting her ass out of her chair so they can also carry that to dry land any more amazing would be an orphanage burning down in the background.

via The Telegraph and our tipster who has not only tried the “Charlie Sheen” drug, but survived with their face completely un-melted!

Police are investigating the area in East Alton where human remains were found Thursday morning. The crime scene is located at Broadway and Route 3 near QuikTrip. You know those QuikTrip churos look like they might be safe rolling around in that heating rolling thing, but those things…those things should just really be left alone.

More than 30 investigators and Cadaver dogs searched the scene where the parts were discovered.

Officials say the crime scene is very large, covering four to five acres.

Police also say they are not sure if the remains just of one person, or if they are male or female.

The remains have been collected by the police and are expected to be identified as early as today, but that task has proven difficult as recent tree removal work may have scattered the evidence.

Anyone know if KMOV’s Matt Chambers was anywhere near the Alton area recently? No one? Hmm. Oh come on, we know he didn’t do it! Crazy talk! Just askin’…but seriously though, no one’s seen Matt Chambers there any time recently?

via KMOV

Scott Simmons, a 46 year old man from Alton, Illinois has been arrested after “hundreds of files” of kiddie p0rn were found on his computer. KMOV didn’t say how the child pornography was found, but after looking at his mugshot he probably either took it in to a Best Buy to get it fixed and forgot to change his little boy in the Donald Duck outfit wallpaper or simply ran around Alton yelling “Me likey the kiddies!”

Why do pervs always either stare creepily forward for their mugshot like the want to molest the camera or look away with a dumb-ass smile like the guys in prison won’t believe how cool he is when he gets there? Guess what Scotty? We aren’t sure if you can get Stockholm Syndrome in relation to the broomstick he’ll be repeated raped with, but Scott might find out after the years of “research” he’ll have to put up with.

via KMOV

William Fry of Alton has been charged with Criminal Damage to Property Over $300 and violating a restraining order. Also, if anyone has a comb…no? That’s alright. Thanks for looking.

Authorities say Fry’s ex-wife reported to police that extensive damage was done to her home. She was away from her home when the damage was done.

Authorities said the damage appeared to have been done by a vehicle being driven into the home. Evidence from Fry’s vehicle gave police the probable cause to take him into custody.

The victim had an active order of protection against Fry at the time of this incident.

We don’t know how much over $300 dollars of damage ole Billy did with his clearly cherished car, but seeing as we’re talking about Illinois and these people are the kind of people that get married and then decide running your car into the other’s home is the move we’re guessing…trailer tipped over…at least 3 pink flamingos destroyed…and the George Forman Grill plugged in outside will probably not be able to correctly grill both sides of her Hot Pocket again. Gonna have to flip that `Pocket over half way through.

That’s no way to live.

via KMOV

Yesterday in Alton, IL a three-year old body walked over to an open second story window with no screen and fell out on to a concrete slab below.

A three-year-old boy had to be rushed to the hospital Tuesday afternoon after falling from the second-story window of his family’s apartment.

According to Captain Williams of the Alton Fire Department, the incident happened at 1:40 p.m. at an apartment complex in the 300 block of Mitchell Street

He is still listed in critical condition, but initial cognitive tests are proving that the toddler still has a chance to be one of the smarter Illinois to Missouri commuters. Meaning he will be able to drive at a decent and steady speed while keeping his rusted out car in only the one lane instead of constantly weaving in to other lanes or tapping his breaks the whole time we have to follow him to the point where you swear he is driving all the way to our house with his ugly pale blue Land  of Lincoln license plate mocking you with its ugliness!

via KSDK