David Lee Sperry was charged yesterday in the murder of Kenneth Ray Vaughn, who was found dead on January 10th after being shot in the head and set on fire. He also had no relation to singer Stevie Ray Vaughn but clearly didn’t mind the questions enough to stop using his middle name of Ray, but also didn’t go all the way by calling himself Kenny Ray Vaughn…but maybe he did because they always use your full name after your dead, like all of a sudden your own personal name preferences don’t count. It’s the worst thing about dying, probably. Well not for Kenneth. He was shot and then burned by a guy that looks like a zombie Art Garfunkel (right)…not current bald Art Garfunkel, but if Art Garfunkel from the 70′s was turned in to a zombie. …What? You don’t like that reference? You think it’s a stretch?! That may be, but don’t start thinking you’re special living in a world where zombie jokes are cool, but they cross the line at time travel?! F*ck you. You try thinking of 1,982 different ways of making St. Louis-area murder in to a funny joke! Take it from us buddy, eventually you’d get to a point where zombie oldies references seem like a pretty good idea!

Where were we?!

Why are we yelling?!

Oh yeah!

The victim, Kenneth Ray Vaughn, 68, was found dead on Jan. 10. His handyman, David Lee Sperry, was charged Tuesday with first-degree murder, first-degree arson and armed criminal action.

Police found Busch beer cans containing gasoline inside Vaughn’s mobile home.

Ah, no. This happens to people all the time officers, but you’re just assuming those Busch beer cans were filled with gasoline because Busch beer tastes and smells like gasoline. Honest mistake.

The cans had the tabs removed. Officers suspect the cans were used to pour the gas on Vaughn inside his mobile home in the 6400 block of Pawnee Drive.

When Sperry was arrested, he had 16 can tabs in his jeans pocket and told police that tearing them off was a habit.

Good story. Should have stuck with the sounds of silence if you know what we mean! Ha!

…if you don’t know what we meant, it was another Art Garfunkel reference.

Shut up.

via STLToday

Attention St. Louis:

The local news organizations would like to use this Tuesday night as a “do over” night. See the extra snow kinda took everyone by surprise, including our local news folks and they really really really feel horrible about not getting to spend a whole night going on and on about all the snow and how it will change everything.

Traffic!

School closings!

Reporters doing outside live shots because you don’t believe it’s snowy unless someone it outside standing in it wearing a stylish news windbreaker!

Lots of multi-colored weather maps with long pointless explanations about why the snow is probably, going to, might end up, coming!

Anyway, so…how’s Tuesday sound? Do you all have a favorite show on Tuesdays, because ideally they’d like to preempt it. Maybe cut it right at the end of the show, to tell you the same thing they told you over the last commercial break, which was essentially: “It might snow tomorrow.”

We know this sounds like a total pain to let the local news get this do-over, but it would really mean a lot to them…and between us…they don’t have much going for them these days. The whole “you paid for it/it cost how much?/politicians are de craziest peoples” thing is really starting to wear thin, plus they’re really scared you might find out that you can get sports from ESPN (or your phone), national news from CNN/Fox/MSN (or your phone) and the weather from your window (or your phone). If that happens, they know its all over real quick, and they want to at least get a few more years in before the current crop of old people move on and they have to all get new jobs as salesmen or people that call themselves writers on Facebook.

Thanks.

We’ll say this for McCluer North High School, when you’ve got visiting adults dropping a beat down in the hall way, they sure take their freshmen hazing to the next level.

[Three] women were reportedly at the school to take a female student, a relative of theirs, out for lunch.

According to security footage, the women were walking toward their relative when she got into a fight with a freshman student.

Officers say the relative and another student began began fighting with the freshman, and the adults joined in.

Maybe they were planning on going to Subway and one of them said “Wait, doesn’t kicking the crap out of that 14-year old girl right there and then probably going to jail, sound better than having to eat Subway and deal with the eventual diarrhea?” and she’s right. Jail sounds horrible, but still way better than anything called “Turkeytopia”.

At one point, according to footage, there were five attackers –three adults and two students- assaulting the freshman student.

So this situation sounds bad, but one could argue that these “adults” could be passing on some valuable life lessons to these children: 1. Teamwork 2. Picking easily accomplishable tasks 3. …um…uh…What part of your body should you guard while on the ground getting kicked 4. The various steps of being booked by local authorities 5. What’s another way to say “teamwork”?

All three adults are facing assault, tresspassing and property damage charges. The students are charged with assault and property damage.

Ben Affleck swung by at the end of the freshman beat down, asked politely to go first, and added “I’d like to dedicate this first lick to your mother…” but apparently he’s been spared by the cops. Those movie stars get away with everything!

via KMOV

(If you’re feeling nostalgic and want to watch the whole clip from Dazed and Confused we linked to above and don’t mind a little NSFW audio, here you go.)

Police are looking for a man who robbed the Creve Coeur Dollar Store because it would seem this guy wanted to go through all the trouble and danger of robbing someone, but really only needed some walkin’ around money. Maybe so see a movie, get some popcorn and put some Milk Duds in there.

Police said two employees were counting cash in the back office of the Dollar Tree Store in the 12530 block of Olive when a man approached and demanded money.

The suspect, armed with a knife, tied the two employees together by using a rope before he fled the scene.

Unfortunately for the clerks but Dollar Tree “rope” is actually string from those cheap kites they always sell with cartoon heros from 10 years ago, so while not super effective, there was lots of it. The ALF kites are selling like they used to.

According to police, the suspect allegedly hid somewhere in the store until closing.

Probably in the large display of pool noodles they inexplicably keep up all year long. Its like a cheap neon foam forest in there!

Police described the suspect as a while male, approximately 6 feet tall and 200 pounds. He was wearing a black shirt and khaki pants with a sheer black stocking cap over his face.

He was last seen carrying a thin plastic bag of dollar bills in one hand, and five of those really big Pixie Stix in the other.

via KMOV

Denise Cooke was just going to be gone for a second, so we’re not sure what the big deal is. Some times you need a quick drink, you know? …and also during some of those times you’re a single mother, so maybe you leave your baby in a hotel room. Big whoop. Oh, you’d rather her take the baby to the bar? Who’s the horrible parent now?!

Police arrested a woman who allegedly left her 9-year-old son inside a Fenton hotel room while she went out drinking.

Authorities said Cooke, who’s from Indianapolis, Indiana, returned to the hotel sometime Monday afternoon. She told police she had gone out for a few drinks and did not intend to leave her child alone for so long.

“Ok you guys, that’s the last drink. I really need to head back and make sure the kid I left in that hotel room isn’t dead. …one more? Alright, one more! But only because you gave me that look while saying ‘What are you doing here? You should leave.”, and I didn’t really want to go check on him anyway. You know how that always gets me, but this is totally the last one! I’m serious!”

Police said they did not know exactly how long Cooke was gone. She now faces child endangerment charges.

Doesn’t this seem like a total non-punishment? Why bother even telling her you were going to take the kid?

“You left your kid all alone while you went out drinking!?”

“Yup, it’s my kid. Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, we have to take your kid away now.”

“Oh, sweet! Pretty obvious I didn’t want him anyway, so thanks for finally getting on that. Where were you guys when I let him play with that wood chipper for 6 hours while I banged two guys for a sixer of Smirnoff Ice?”

via KMOV

KMOV recently sat down with new St. Louis Police Chief Sam Dotson, and it’s pretty clear the man is already getting good at the ole “It’s not as bad as it seems” game, picking up right where former Chief Isom left off.

Sam Dotson was candid and poignant in his answers saying “one homicide is too many,” and the goal for his department is to have a year with no killings.

Wow, a year?! Lets start with something that sounds more attainable like a day, or a minute in North City and go from there. Love the enthusiasm though!

How’s that going by the way?

With four days left in the month, this January mirrors the first month of 2010, when 16 other people were killed. While overall crime was down during the second half of 2012, the chief believes this especially violent month can be credited to two groups targeting each other.

Yikes, but next year feels like the one though! No murders in 2014!

“What we do not have are packs of gangs, roaming the city, targeting innocent people,” Dotson said. “We don’t have random shootings.”

Slow down on the “no random killings” stuff new guy, we’re not even in February yet! The random violent packs of thugs don’t like to come out until late spring when school lets out.

Dotson also explains the high number does not exactly tell the full story. Two of the 16 are now being investigated as self defense. Four or five of the slayings could potentially be linked to two groups arguing over a girl.

Sweet, because for a second there it seemed like 16 murders in 30 days sounded like a lot of killing for a city that constantly claims it’s getting better. So the new plan is to just shoot that girl and we’ll be good right?

Despite the recent uptick in violence, the chief says the high crime rate continues to decrease. Just two weeks ago, Dotson reported that overall crimes were down 12 percent in 2012 compared to 2011.

Did you hear that dead people?! Things are getting slightly less horrible! …or not. Lets see how tomorrow goes.

“It’s been very clear to me that the city has made a significant investment [in crime fighting],” Dotson said. “A quarter of a billion dollars every year, year over year to fight these things, so it’s not a lack of resources, it’s not a lack of will.”

…so it’s just that you suck at it then?

As always, thanks for mental gymnastics Chief, but here’s the deal: No one gives a crap why or how or what money was spent to where, they just know that they don’t feel safe. Give a rest with these bullshit interviews and just say “16 is way too many murders, we’re working on it.” …and then actually work on it rather than spending time trying to find reasons to convince everyone it’s not as bad as it seems. Especially don’t worry about February though, it’s a day shorter than last year so you’ve got a guaranteed murder percentage drop built-in!

via KMOV