Spotted on St. Louis’ Craigstlist section under “Missed Connections” last night:

i almost killed you with an oatmeal cookie – w4w – 25 (st. louis)

j.w,

i really want to see your smile again. i promise to show you a good time. if anything, just for fun.

think about it…

Hey there! w4w eh? Nice…

Here’s hoping “oatmeal cookie” is a euphemism for “amazing night of crazy lesbian sex where one of us is dressed as a sexy librarian and the other one as a school girl and involved all the hot stuff and none of the weird stuff that lesbians probably prefer but doesn’t fit with male fantasies”

…also we hope “think about it…” is a euphemism for “I taped it.”

You know what’s great about church youth groups?  Um…wait I can think of something…there’s um…crap, there has to be something…oh I know!  There’s very little chance of being recorded when you wake up on a group camp-out in your tent and decide to rub a quick one out and have it ended up online.

A Collinsville, IL church youth group leader is facing charges for possessing and…yup…creating child pornography.

Joseph Emil Klug was the leader of the Royal Rangers, a youth group that is for boys of grade school and high school age. The boys go camping and earn pins for various activities. Klug, as an adult leader, took an Indian sounding name, “Young Owl.”

Sounds so nice.  Nothing wrong here…wait, why does that backback have a blinking red light and is making a zooming sound?

According to federal prosecutors, Klug cut a hole in a backpack, and placed the backpack in a tent with a camera pointing out. Prosecutors say Klug videotaped a young boy masturbating and put that video on the Internet.

Oh crap.  Something told me not to masturbate in front of that backpack.  I feel awkward now. Awkward but sexy.

via KSDK

A story about two horrible people and one guy that got them back is making the rounds and it all took place in St. Louis.

A young, college aged woman sits down by herself and orders a Bud Light at the two-top next to us.

Shortly after, her slightly older female friend joins her.

They begin loudly discussing the fact that the young lady JUST has cheated on her boyfriend at a party. The discussion is filled with information about the sexiness of it all, the temptation, and the desire to do it again and not be caught.

So I sit, and I continue listening, they were so loud, that you couldn’t ignore them…on and on about advice about phone records, not using texts, the mentality you need in a man to cheat with and not get caught….on and on….disgusting.

Ok, so these bitches should be drug out in to the street and shot…or at least be tied to chair and made to watch those Charles Barkley Taco Bell commercials over and over again.  Our hero had a different idea though…

So I listen, and after a few minutes, the older woman says the magic words I needed to hear.

“Chris can never find out. It would kill him”

So now I have a name. Chris.

I don’t know Chris, by the way. But that’s no matter.

I pull over a chair to their two-top.

“Hi, I’m Burt. I thought I recognized you when you came in. How’s it going? I met you briefly through Chris.”

I then say: “I figured I’d come over and say Hi real quick, but seriously…and this is a bit odd….but I heard everything you just said. I’m sickened, but I am going to let Chris know everything I just overheard. Small world isnt it?”

Both females turned bleach white, and the young cheater looked like she had just seen her parents die in a fiery crash.

Well played sir.  We here at Punching Kitty salute you!

Not only is that story great, but he’s making it public to try, though most likely in vein, to alert “Chris” about his hoe that be trippin’.  Its a long shot, but its getting plenty of attention.  The post on Reddit about this has, as of this writing, 1,671 votes and 1,430 comments along with any attention his cross post on Craigslist had received.

Our advice to Chris?  If she’s really hot, get one more pitty F out of her and then get out of there buddy.

If anyone thinks they may know who Chris is, please tip us via the site or the tip line: 314-266-TIPS

Oh Missed Connections, you are always there for me when the news, like the road outside my house, is all frozen over.

My Sexy Clark Kent… J.S. – w4m – 48 (Florissant)

J.S… I sure will miss you. You have no idea how perfect you were……. how nice your Gorgeous TOOL was……. You smelled wonderful EVERY time…….. you are very special to me and you ALWAYS will be…. We had the most wonderful times…… and you always made me comfortable… being a bigger girl can be uncomfortable…… you made me feel wonderful… I thank you so very much for that. J.S… I do want to see you again……… I already miss you… Sex was crazy good with you… even our age difference was nothing for what we had and what we did. I dont want to call or email. im afraid of what will happen………. maybe its time to move on…. maybe its time to end it while it was FANTASTIC!! Thank you for making me feel GREAT!!!! you’ll always be my Clark Kent!!
L.E.

My deductive powers of reasoning have gleaned the following from this “connection”:

1. J.S. wears glasses.

2. L.E. is a fatty.

3. I think L.E. was having an affair with J.S. since she is “afraid” what might happen if they get in touch.

4. I don’t this L.E. realizes that wasn’t frosting making her feel wonderful.

5. L.E. likes to EMPHASIZE words with the CAPS lock KEY.

6. Now that her little affair is over, L.E is going to go right back to trying to fill that emptiness inside her with ding dongs…as opposed to one particular ding dong.

A Fredericktown, MO police captain and local Boy Scoutmaster has been busted for being…you’ll never guess…a sexual predator! Three cheers for stereotypes!

Kenneth Tomlinson II, 42, a police captain in Fredericktown and Boy Scout leader, has admitted having sex with young boys and destroying videotapes he made of the sex, court records show.

After 16 counts of sodomy involving two boys, ages 12 and 14, Tomlinson should be ready for a little sodomy of his own, but first the worst punishment of all…

He was held in lieu of a $100,000 cash-only bond, and has been stripped of his membership in the Scouts.

Oh snap!

“No! Don’t kick me out of Scouts!” former scoutmaster Tomlinson pleaded, “What about the winter jamboree?!  The kids are sure to freeze to death without my famous ’sit on my lap and let me warm you from the inside’ trick!”

No dice sicko!  Your Assistant Scoutmaster is going to have to do that this year.

Well, until he gets caught.  Then it will be up to the parents to molest their own kids until a new Scoutmaster can be found.

via STLToday

[Editor's Note:  No, there's no picture for this post.]

So I didn’t know that someone had thought about this, let alone tried it, let alone like it, let alone wrote about it, but apparently “piss enemas” happen and the story is being told on St. Louis sexy site The Beautiful Kind.

I was surprised and a bit disappointed that I didn’t really feel anything. After a few moments though I started to feel a little full. We were just giggling at each other like little kids.

Yes.  Just like kids.

My First Time Getting a Piss Enema (NSFW…of course.  Dumbass.)

Did you know that 1 in 4 teens have sent a sexually explicit text message?  I know what you are thinking:  ”Damn, that’s hot!” But remember that 3 in 4 teens are ugly.  …plus KSDK thinks this is a bad thing and is urging parents to make this holiday extra special by corning your kids and reminding them not to be a whores over the cell phone.

“The holidays are a great time for parents to not only have conversations about this in an empowering way,” [author Carrie Silver-Stock] said. “Ask your kids, ‘Have you seen kids sexting?’ ‘Or have you noticed situations where there’s been harm?’ So it’s opening up as it’s more of a dialogue that can be empowering for the young person but it’s also a great time for parents to look for clues.”

“Have you kids seen ’sexting’?”  Really?  That’s the best approach.  Maybe throw turn your hat backwards first and mention the Music Television before moving in to the sexting questions.  Seriously, does anyone actually call it “sexting”?

Oh and why are the holiday’s a good time to do this again?  If its so important, why not talk to them, you know, now? Eh…nevermind…the game is on.

Watch out Virginia Kerr, your spot at the top of the “cute TV news reporter” food chain might just be in trouble.  Yes, Kerr still has the KMOV crowd on lock, but the overall title isn’t quite the blowout it once was and what some people think it still is.

We always knew April Simpson from KTVI Fox2 was cute, but after her Twitter picture (below) flashed across our desktop the other day betwixt the other updates of the day, we might have mentally broken up with Kerr and moved to Team Simpson.

Now if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to talk with Virginia.  Unless you are Virginia, please turn away from  your screen.

Ok V, we’re alone now.

Virginia…we’ve had some good times haven’t we?

Look, its not you.  Actually its not me either. Its April Simpson. She’s attractive. That’s not either of our faults! Its completely out of our control, but that doesn’t mean I can ignore it.  Its like a tornado of hottness:  No one caused it, but at the same time you can’t ignore it because it breaks a lot of crap.  Also there’s a loud whistling sound, which doesn’t really come in to play here.  I’m just going to throw this out there too: I’ve started to wonder if  you’ve taken your title for granted.  Look at April, that’s a photo from someone thats putting in some work.  Your photos, are cute sure, but nothing you have on your Twitter account can touch this.  This is good for you V!  It’s competition, and that makes everyone raise their game.  Who knows, 6 months from now I could be back on your team.  Good luck to you!  …don’t cry.  Here’s a tissue.  …you know what?  Take the box.

Ok, turn back around  Its over.  The deed is done.

Local news is pretty rough to watch these days as the people in charge continue to claw at the walls of the well they keep falling down, but maybe I’ll start Tivo-ing the Fox 2 mid-day report…you know, just to keep up on the important things, like state fairs and…car wrecks?  …I don’t know what the hell they talk about on local news these days and I don’t care….which is where the mute button comes into play!

Come to think of it, how did you “hear” me write to turn back around to finish reading this?  Total dick move on your part.

We miss the days when flashers rocked the long trench coat, walked right up to people and just put it out there and sometimes, if they are really good, threw in a little wiggle for good measure.  Today’s flashers, are just too damn lazy!  Take for instance this schmuck in Webster Groves:

Police in Webster Groves and Brentwood are looking for a man who exposed himself to young girls four different times.

Police said in all four cases, the man would call girls over to his vehicle and ask them for directions. As they approached the vehicle, they realized the man was not wearing any pants. The girls ran away and the suspect did not pursue them.

Damn flashers today…the nerve!  Making the girls come to you?  Lazy ass.  This is what’s wrong with America today.  If you want a girl to see  your penis, you gotta work at it!  Sure flashing is a bit of a shortcut, but  you should at least get up and walk to where they are!  Don’t forget, this isn’t the first time we’ve heard of this “technique”: Wait You Can’t Pay For Your Lemonade With Penis?

If you are a stalker, take the time to do it right!  Get that trench coat, perfect your wiggle, and do it right!

…also don’t go near Webster Groves and Brentwood, those areas are pretty worked over right now.

For any tips on this lazy sicko, call: 314-266-TIPS

via KSDK

Found in the Missed Connections section of Craigslist: St. Louis

Dear Men of Saint Louis,

My existence on the same public sidewalk as you does not mean you are entitled to talk to me.

Do you need the time? I can do that. Do you need vague, inarticulate directions? I can definitely help. But, unless you are vaguely in my age range and honestly think that if we one day made babies they would be happy, healthy, and not dragged down to some mean attractiveness, you absolutely do not need my phone number. You do not need to tell me I’m pretty. You do not need to explain to me that you got out of that cop car on the corner because you need to arrest me for “looking so sexy.” You do not need to lie to me about some fictitious wife who is unable to satisfy your foot fetish needs, and you certainly do not need to touch MY feet.

Is this still unclear? Let me give you a few more guidelines.

Are you a better singer than anyone on my ipod? No? I probably don’t want to listen to you talk when I’m otherwise engaged in something that’s happily occupying my auditory channels. Are you an essay I must complete for my graduate degree? When I’m writing in a coffee shop, you are absolutely not worth my time. Am I on the phone? Are your fucking minutes free? I’m paying to talk to the person on the other end. I want to talk to them. Did you yell at me? Did I ignore you? Yes, I heard you. I also heard you when you came up next to me. I also heard you when you began yelling about getting my number. Consider my silence a tacit disapproval of your attention-speaking behavior.

I know how hard it is to get a girl to talk to you. I do. But me? I personally do not owe you anything just because you’ve been rejected before. My priority is always going to be watching over myself and if I’m ignoring you, it means I think you look shifty. Are you? I don’t fucking know, but I also don’t fucking care. Maybe you’re right. Maybe you’d be the love of my life. But, in my experience, funny, well-educated men who are aware of how unbearably stupid a person looks when they use “u” and “r” and “2” in written language don’t hold my feet or yell at me to give them my number. I can only talk to so many men, so please respect the fact that I’m playing the odds. Remember? Getting a graduate degree. I’m busy.

Love always,
A Saint Louis woman

So…um…anyone else thinking this broad must be pretty hot?

The one thing that really stands out in this is that someone is going around St. Louis touching women’s feet!

You do not need to lie to me about some fictitious wife who is unable to satisfy your foot fetish needs, and you certainly do not need to touch MY feet.

What can I say?  She’s inspired me.  I have a couple of letters I need to get off my chest:

Dear Foot Fetish Guy,

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but chicks don’t like that stuff.  Well some might, but I would wager that approximately 0% like it on the street from some random dude that followed them for 2 blocks building up the courage.

On the other hand, I do respect you for getting after it.  Sure your idea is beyond stupid, but you know what?  You thought it was a good one, probably the best plan you had, and you went for it!  Good for you dude.  Not many guys go there.  Most guys don’t go for the “right on the street” approach because we are shy, or nervous, but you shook those feelings off and with your loose grip on reality pushing you closer to her you took the big step, walked up, grabbed her feet and yelled at her about how she needs to give you her number.  Cheers buddy!

My one hope for  you though is that your “technique” never works.  If it does, you have successfully broken down eons of flirtation across bars and ages of sweaty palms from wooing.  Also, it would probably be your first step down the slippery slope to serial killer-land.

Yours truly,

Punching Kitty

—–

Dear Angry Probably Hot Chick,

You sound tense.  Ironically, you might just need a foot rub.

Call me.

xoxoxo,

Punching Kitty