After an audit of Missouri’s sex offenders database, it was found that 7 percent of convicted pervs hadn’t registered despite the legal mandate.

Montee released her audit of the sex offender registration program Wednesday. Generally, it found improvement from a review eight years ago. But the audit said Missouri — like most states — has not yet complied with federal sex offender requirements. Missouri’s deadline is July 2011.

7 percent is probably a lot more people than you would think, guess and hope. Statistically, at least a few of you reading this should probably get on the stick! …wait. No. We meant register. We didn’t mean anything else you thought that meant.

7 percent is not that much though when you realize how little it takes to get on this list however. We threw some zipcodes at STLToday’s commenter registration form…er, we mean sex offender search engine and found that there are lots and lots of really f-ed up shiz going down around us, there is also some questionable listings (at least form the data they share with us).

As you can see there in the photo above, poor Clyde has no reason by his name, and he’s labeled as homeless. That’s all it takes? How many park trees have to report a homeless guy for him to make the sex offender’s list? Also, its been noted that he has not registered. Maybe because he’s homeless. Not sure.

Also of note is that the guy right below him on the list’s last name is Finger, making that the best name for a sex offender ever.

via KMOV

Here are our top 3 favorite current St. Louis Craigslist Missed Connections pick-up lines from the fellas:

3. “in the shower?” – m4w

if u clicked on this chances are it is u i am looking for we joke about it often but never actully get in there but i wouldnt say a word if u really did get in there and to tell the truth i would like it i am quite sure let me know something that will make me know this is u

…um…wow. One more time maybe…

if u clicked on this chances are it is u i am looking for we joke about it often but never actully get in there but i wouldnt say a word if u really did get in there and to tell the truth i would like it i am quite sure let me know something that will make me know this is u

Link

Didn’t help. If you can understand this, go bang this dude ladies…he is your soulmate.

2. “I Need You Now” – m4w

I need you now, come to my office………..I’m alone

Hell yeah! Awwwww….just girls. Figures! Did we uncover some secret message passing system from adulterers? Also why did he have to explicitly say he was alone? That’s not implied? Is “I need you now, come to my office……My mom is here.” something that could reasonably happen in this relationship?

Link

1. “Dr. Babenstein?” – m4w (babesville)

You, were sitting in a plastic chair “fighting the beats” as i slid into a deep lunge and punchdanced my way into your heart. listening to you wax intellectual on the subject of mature industry was delightful AND informative. i told you one of these days i was gonna sweep you off your feet so you better be prepared. im talking like, you better wear a sweatband everywhere in case things get intense! if you fit the description of the total babe that im talking about, why dont you throw on those babe shades and go for a windy walk with me? im pretty sure you know how to get a hold of me if you wanted to. mebbe u and me and HL could go on a bike ride? fun times will be had by all!

sincerely yours,
hink-o-tron 3000

There was also a photo (right). There’s nothing I can say to make this better, just keep reading it and let it’s magic wash over you.

Link

“Saw you in them pants!”

Oh you sweet talker you! What’s this? Did our panties just drop?! Damn we knew we shouldn’t have worn our loosest pair of panties while going through Craigslist’s Missed Connections.

saw you in them pants – m4w – 42 (wentzville walmart)

you were working in the dairy section with a price gun and tight pants.
your in your 40s and are as fit as a fiddle. ass and legs ! nice !!
thought you should know that you turned a man on today.
i think i need some more milk, 2%
hope not to get you in trouble with this, you did nothing wrong ,
other than work out too much on them buns.
i had a bright shirt on today. color ??

“…thought you should know you turned a man on today.”

This has got to just work wonders on the ladies.  ”I did?! That’s great! …so should I just go ahead and start blowing you right here in the store now?” …or something like that.

“…you did nothing wrong, other than work out too much on them buns!”

This one works really well because, you see, the women-folk aren’t as smart as us fellers. You gotsta reassure them and such. “Baby, you didn’t do anything wrong.” and then they’re like “What? Why are you saying that?!” and that’s when you drop that hammer… “except work out too much on them buns!” Bam! Right then she’ll probably just yank that Walmart vest clean off and start pressin’ her boobies up against you and such. True story! Happened to a friend of my cousin’s.

…if that don’t work, show them how shiny your truck wheels are.

via Craigslist and photo from People of Wal-Mart

We saw a really crazy flick that started out just like this…

More than 10,000 Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority members will be in St. Louis this week for a weeklong convention.

Blah blah blah…honoring people…blah blah blah keep our clothes on. Whatever stuffy press release! …what if we had you this beer bong and pour Apple Pucker on you like this…?

Oh we’ll give you a one size too small white “Punching Kitty” t-shirt too.

Anything?

…the aforementioned movie lead us to believe the ending to this would be different.

via KSDK and our little vixen of a tipster!

Friend-of-the-site, fellow St. Louis based blogger and the one that always beats us in the “Local Blogger Who Uses the Word Tits the Most” contest every year, The Beautiful Kind has bounced back in a big way from her recent brush with blog mortality. First the blog returned in record time, stronger than ever, and now, an ebook entitled The Book of Goddess: Elevating Your Desirability to Mythic Proportions.

We got ahold of TBK, well not really…that guy in the photo above has “ahold” of her…to talk about the new book which you can read about and download your free PDF copy (great for iPads…you know, because the screen can just be wiped clean after doing the “homework”) at thebookofgoddess.com

Punching Kitty: We know the motivation to the message behind the book, but what was the motivation for the book itself? Why not just spread the same message through the blog?

TBK: I’ve been wanting to expand my repertoire for ages now, so writing an ebook seemed the next logical step. I finally got the time to do it when I get fired from my job! So this is my way of turning lemons into spiked lemonade. I cover so many topics on my blog, it’s helpful to present certain information in an easier take-home package.

PK: Do you have a favorite part? …ours is the “nutshell” tips in the conclusion.

TBK: You have good taste. This is my favorite part of the ebook:

The Problem with Fake Tits

Breasts should feel soft, and they should be pleasure zones. Don’t take a
knife to such sacred ground! The problem with fake tits is that it makes
the woman look like SHE CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. She cares so much
about what a handful of shallow strangers think that she will mutilate
herself to win their approval. Fake tits are a badge of insecurity (unless
we’re talking about reconstructive surgery).

Redefine beauty. Stop reading those magazines featuring the same recycled
content and skinny models. Seek out your own idea of beauty. Look at nature
for beauty – see the curve of a mountain, the dip of a valley, and then see
that in yourself. Beauty is REAL and can be found in the actual trees
themselves, not the glossy pages that come from pulverizing and processing
them.

The most important thing to realize about yourself:

You look great NOW. I can’t tell you how many women I know who curse the
fact that they were shy about wearing a bikini when they were in their 20’s
and a size 8. They thought they weren’t thin enough to pull it off. Now
they are 35 and a size 12 and WISH they were a size 8 again. So just wear
the fucking bikini, OK?

PK: Is there anything sexually you won’t share on your blog?

TBK: Three years ago, I kept a journal of my stint as a whore. I didn’t want to post the stories on my website, as they were too deep and had a different tone, so I held on to them, looking for the right venue. SexIs has been running the journal as a series: http://www.edenfantasys.com/contributors/the-beautiful-kind/

I also don’t share details that will incriminate my friends and loved ones, such as incest or infidelity. Many of the stories on my site are even more twisted than they appear! There are so many layers to a person’s sexuality.

PK: Who’s the celebrity you think would be the best in bed (both male and female)?

TBK: My guy is really into Halle Berry. He’d like to “MAKE HER FEEEEL GOOOOD.” I have a crush on Isabella Rossellini, she does that Green Porno series. http://www.sundancechannel.com/greenporno/ I think anyone who impersonates vicious bedbug sex and duck gang bang rape scenes would be awesome in bed.

PK: Oh yeah! We’ve run across that show…its…interesting.

Was there no thought in to trying to sell your book in some way?

TBK: Offering the ebook for free was a way to gain more exposure for my website. It was a test, and I think it went well. I want to continue to build my credibility and prove myself as a sex and relationship expert. A lot of the sex advice columnists out there are burned out or outdated. I’d be a great fresh replacement. I take it to another level.

PK: We love that this goes right on the old iPad, but what about working with a publishing site to create a “real” book?

TBK: I’d love to develop this ebook into a real book! Bring it!

PK: Any more books in there? Is this the first of many or one of a kind?

TBK: I have plenty of book ideas – I’d like to do one featuring relationships, or one all about fetishes, one about first sexual experiences, a holiday erotica anthology…

PK: In your “Fashion Police” section you say to avoid Crocs. There’s no question here, just wanted to say thank you for that.

TBK: You are welcome. A girlfriend of mine recently complained, “One of the problems with online dating is you can’t tell if they wear crocs or sandals ahead of time.”

PK: This book is geared toward the ladies, any interest in a “How not to be gross” tome for the fellas?

TBK: Oh sure, I could do that. Would be nice if my man wrote that one, as people have said, “I wish I could be his cock!”, but he’s just along for the ride. One book I suggest for men is “The Way of the Superior Man” by David Deida. I reviewed it here: http://thebeautifulkind.com/reviews/books/how-be-superior-man

PK: Well thanks for taking the time to answer a few questions. Good luck with this book, the blog and anything in the future!

TBK: This is my calling – I want to make a living out of TBK. Please spread the word about my sex positive mission! I aim to inspire with my openness and honesty. America still has too many hangups about sex, help me work the kinks OUT!

Three bail bondsmen for F & N Bail Bonds (aka Junkie’s Bail Bonds) in Festus have been charged with felony restraint and misdemeanor assault for among other things, macing a guy’s balls…really that one thing should be enough though.

The man said he went willingly with the bondsmen, but that Boyer hit him with a half-full bottle of water in the face while driving to Jefferson County, court documents filed Monday in Hillsboro say.

Once they arrived at the Festus bond office, Baker allegedly threatened to rape the man while Ritrovato and Boyer laughed and made jokes and the man begged them not to do anything to him, documents say.

Baker then ordered the handcuffed man to drop his pants and wiped Mace onto a white cloth, which he used to rub the Mace under the man’s eyes and on his genitals. A few minutes later, Baker wiped more Mace on his genitals before returning with a warm washcloth for the man, documents say. (emphasis ours)

Jesus! Get this man a washcloth!

Using the warm washcloth made the pain “fifteen times worse,” the man told Jefferson County Sheriff’s investigators. Warm water causes the pores to open. Baker allegedly told the man he knew warm water would cause more pain.

Crap. Nevermind. Maybe use bread next time, we hear that’s the move for spicy food…not sure if that applies to spicy balls, but probably better than that washcloth idea.

Also of note is that these bailbondsmen are really really gay…like angry gay.

They later left the building, the the bondsmen drove the man around for a few hours with the heat on high in the car. All three offered him cold water in return for oral sex, but the man refused, documents say.

Maybe “Deliverance Bail Bonds” might be a more apt business name.

Morals of this story include, “Don’t jump bail”, “Mace is for faces!” and “You’ll get more oral sex from dudes with honey than mace.”

My grandmother always used to say that last one.

via STLToday

Break-ups. We’ve all been there. At first you’re so pissed off! You just want to go knock over trash cans and kick puppies. I mean, if you just saw her one more time, you’d…well you don’t know what you’d do…but it would be something good, like telling her about that time you rubbed one out in her hand lotion…and mayonnaise…and shampoo bottle…and sock drawer.

In a few days you calm down though and decide to just get those feelings out with a note with a cow’s tongue attached. You know, nothing too crazy.

An eastern Missouri woman has admitted that she sent threatening letters that included a cow tongue and opossum head to her girlfriend’s new love interest.

Thirty-nine-year-old Jessica Bradshaw of Troy pleaded guilty Tuesday in federal court in St. Louis to three counts of mailing threatening communications.

Trenton, Ill., Detective Chris Joellenbeck says Bradshaw mailed the threatening letters to her ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend, who lives in Trenton.

First time we get a story on this site in over 1 and a half years featuring three lesbians and some tongue and its not even remotely hot. Figured.

Here’s a tip from Punching Kitty: If you want to creep someone out, don’t send a body part, send this creepy laughing doll (video below).

via KPLR and our tipster who can slip us some tongue anytime.

The sun was slowing cooking us and we felt drastically under-dressed, but we were there, in the crowd, for St. Louis’ annual Pride Parade yesterday.

Great crowd (in both size and energy) and as always, visually interesting. We had a great time hanging out (though not as much fun as the guy picture above had hanging out) and putting together another Punching Kitty photo montage, which you can watch below or in HD at our Vimeo page.

We will happily post our whole set of photos if requested, but this is our favorite shot:

We don’t know what it’s for, but it’s awesome. Apparently someone said there were words on it describing what it was about but we don’t remember seeing any words. Just perfectly drawn nipples on cartoon boobs with crazy flame hair and crotch grabbing. All for only $7 + a minor surcharge!

Found in the Loop.

Congratulations to that 15 year old kid with the wispy mustache (probably) who got his PE teacher at Trinity High School in Maryland Heights to bang him.

The St. Louis County Prosecutor’s Office charged Kellie Ryan of Maryland Heights with one count of second-degree statutory rape and two counts of statutory sodomy. Ryan, 26, is a physical education teacher at Trinity High School. She’s accused of sleeping with a 15-year-old student.

Apparently this all began when after joking around in PE, Ryan told the kid to go to her office and do 50 push-ups. On her.  We’re kidding of course…they didn’t do it in the school. They used her car. Why this matters we don’t know.

Authorities said the alleged crimes did not occur on school property or at the student’s home. They suspect Ryan’s car was involved.

What, no tree-house sex? We hear that’s hot. Nothing like going at it while looking at your partner’s Miley Cyrus poster.

After all the high-fiving with the kid some old bitty asked something about how did the school not know about this, totally ruining the moment buzz. So?

The school released a statement late Thursday afternoon saying it had conducted a background check before hiring Ryan and that background check did not reveal anything.

Probably just forgot to ask the “Are you thinking about banging any of your students?” question. Pretty obvious though just by looking at her (above). Even in the mug shot she seems to be scoping out the kid on the DARE poster to the right of the officer taking her photo.

We can’t loose sight of the real issue. Some kid got down with his teacher. What do you think Jeff Suppan?

Classy.

via KSDK