#1 New York (JFK, LaGuarida, Newark)

#2 Los Angeles

#3 St. Louis

#4 Washington D.C.

#5 Boston

Those are the five worst airports in these United States, as voted on by the readers of “Travel and Leisure”.  Hey, at least its not about crime this time!

Maybe folks just miss TWA: its old home, Lambert-St. Louis International Airport, is dreary to AFC readers on a number of fronts. It ranks last for its airline clubs—you’ll find only one American Admirals Club—and its food and shopping rank 28th and 29th, respectively. Plus, you’ll pay $8 for WiFi.

Can’t argue with most of that. The food does indeed suck and any airport that charges for WiFi access should be taken out back and shot, and we know all too well about the craptasticness of the shopping at Lambert (JoeSportsFan Figures Out Airport Shops Suck Balls).

The good news is that if you are from St. Louis you are probably saying “Eh, its not that bad.” because you have the luxury of never having to be trapped in it, while many people outside of St. Louis don’t even know what Lambert is like because nothing flies through here ever any more. We hear Delta is thinking about just taking Labert out of the equation totally, making St. Louis visitors just jump out of the plane instead of choosing to actually stop here. Granted, that’s Delta where most would rather just jump out anyway instead of being treated to the free, and mandatory, anal rapping service Delta gives out these days when traveling with them.

Ah crap. We told you this news but we weren’t standing in front of Lambert when we did it. Is that OK? Did you still understand it? We know that apparently most TV news thinks your so stupid you can’t get it unless you are told news about something that they are standing right in front of. *cough* KMOV *cough*

“Lambert Airport was rated the third worst airport. This is an airport behind me…actually its Lambert Airport. The thing I’m talking about.”

Ooooooohhhhhhhhh…got it. A first I had no idea what you were talking about, but standing in front of it with all the wind and stuff really helped. I’m still a little confused though, any chance you could show me stock footage of people traveling?

There we go! It’s all so clear now! Can’t wait to hear more tonight at 10.

via Yahoo! Travel

When will the hatred stop? What did these harmless little nocturnal creatures ever do to you? They just want to love you…is that so much to ask?

Please leave computer nerds alone 18 year old girls. Laughing when they ask you to the prom is plenty of pain. There’s no need to start crashing your cars through the front windows of computer repair stores!

Police said a vehicle smashed into Tony’s Computer Shop in the 1200 block of South Duchesne at about 2:30 p.m. A witness said the driver is an 18-year-old girl who was taken away in an ambulance and then returned to the scene.

Brutal. Witness, as told to KMOV, said that the car “suddenly ramped over the parking curb and into the building.” luckily the only nerd inside was unharmed wile in a back room working…or looking at porn. Other than the use of a joystick, the two tasks are indistinguishable.

via KMOV

Anything to get Fox 2′s Tim Ezell to come visit huh River City Rascals?

In an effort to reenact Bill Veeck’s famous “sign a midget since no one can strike him out” move last night, the O’Fallon, Misouri independent league baseball team, signed a short(est) stop of their own. Welcome Eddie Gaedel 2010 aka Nick Hagan!

According to Nick’s bio on the Rascals site, he is listed as “utility” under position. Born in 1994, the 4’0″, 110 lbs Hagan is described as an “avid gamer” and has a yellow belt in Karate. Neither of which are in any way important facts or interesting in the least.

In other, slightly more important news, in line at Starbucks, a pretty girl thought I was trying to sniff her hair and called me a creepy perv. What an idiot! Doesn’t she know how close you have to get to land a clear upskirt shot from my shoe-camera?

Police closed Washington Avenue downtown yesterday between 10th and 11th because someone reported “suspicious” canisters under a park bench. “Suspicious” is just what you say though after the bomb squad has already been called. They just looked like cans otherwise (right).

Police took x-rays of the canisters and said it looked like the contents might be concrete samples. More testing will be done elsewhere to make sure the canisters posed no threat.

So the cans with concrete on the lip turned out to have concrete in them?! Shocked. Don’t worry though, KSDK has promised to be following all new developments…on the cans of cement. No word yet if this is considered by Mike Bush to be “bad news” (and thus unspeakable) because they thought the cans were bombs, or if it’s “good news” because they weren’t.

The bomb squad must be the roulette of the police world. Sure, every once in a while someone calls in a real bomb, but in between its just you getting in that sweet armored outfit and poking at cans with a stick. In fact, after the all-clear was given, one bomb squad member picked up a canister, tossed it through the window of a near by car, hotwired it and took off. When stopped later on he claimed “It’s what everyone does around here! Why would you park on Washington if you don’t want your car jacked?” He has a point.

via KSDK

In KMOV’s “Is This Why We’re Broke” segment, they dealt with people flaking on parking tickets. The story is largely boring and pays no mind to the fact that every other city in the world probably has the same, if not worse, problems collecting fines like these, but there is one interesting part.

The #1 parking offender is Markquis Bryant and he owes some $11,400 in parking ticket fines!

According to the the treasurer’s office, the top offender is a man named Markquis Bryant. Bryant’s plate (9AK19F) has racked up 117 open tickets for a total of $11,400 in fines. When asked about Bryant the assistant treasurer said, ” this guy is awful lucky he hasn’t been caught yet.”

Bryant has been in jail and now, shocking, is recently back in jail. Unanswered however, is the obvious question of: Ok, if he’s not going anywhere, get that money St. Louis!

Or not. Apparently St. Louis just likes to just remind these people about the money they owe like some little guy everyone takes advantage of. He’ll try to bring up the subject at the end of a dinner party, its not like he wants to ruin the night, or make it awkward, but you know, he does owe him that money. Yes…it’s time! Lets go talk to him about this finally. …Eh. He looks busy. Maybe another time. He just wants people to like him.

via KMOV

…no not that one. Though at one point we heard a clown was involved, but that proved to be false, meaning we needed a funny crash to lighten up the driving mood. Thank god that Metro Bus driver had a diabetic reaction and drove her bus in to a tree!

It happened around 8:00 a.m. at the intersection of Elm and Lockwood in Webster Groves, Missouri.

The driver was not injured and the bus was empty at the time of the crash.

We feel bad about eating that bag of crackers and hard candy we found in the front of that bus today now.

Also of note is comment a KMOV user banged out that sounds like something, but as far as we can tell, means absolutely nothing.

I see a lot of reporting-maybe this should have happen on 44, and yet someone from that station ays[sic], we need to look……well, we look and we know why

It’s beautiful really. Freaking retarded though…which is probably why it makes us think of this:

via KMOV (Everything but the video, that magic is in-house!)

Editor’s Note: Here’s another great bit from guest contributor Lance (see his previous work here) If you have any interest in guest authoring a post here, drop me a line at editor@punchingkitty.com

It’s hot in St. Louis. Real hot. How hot? It’s so hot that:

* Forest Park has been renamed Savannah Park

* Talk 97.1 is airing a special on the dangers of Global Warming

* The Penguin & Puffin Coast attraction at the zoo is now a fried chicken stand

* The Blues just traded Erik Johnson for a lifeguard

* Mayor Slay just awarded Nelly the key to the city for his innovative plan “take off all yur clothes”

* The line at Ted Drewes is so long that… oh, wait, nothing’s changed there.

* St. Louis county is willing to merge back with the city in exchange for a bucket of ice.

* Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg just called back. They just mumbled “Uh, never mind… ” and the phone went dead.

* “A Goddam Fan” just won the Democratic primary for Kit Bond’s senate seat.

* The Kings of Leon have a new song “Hot Pigeon Shit Blues”

* Busch stadium concession vendors now just pour the beer directly on your head.

St. Louis is being attacked by lightning! …Is there some biblical situation going on we aren’t aware of?

First on Monday, two people were struck by lightning. One person, someone STLToday called a “seasonal laborer”, in Forest Park by the Jewel Box and the other Chouteau.

A seasonal laborer was reportedly struck at the Jewel Box in Forest Park, Capt. Michael Pickett said. The worker was conscious and alert when paramedics arrived but was taken to Barnes-Jewish Hospital for evaluation. Pickett said it appeared to have been a secondary strike that may have hit the ground first.

[A] man, 54, who was working on a building at 2017 Chouteau Avenue. The man was using a rotary tool that touched a water pipe during a lightning strike, Pickett said.

Just yesterday, we learn of the news that our town’s beloved City Museum has been damaged by a lightning strike (move  your lookin’ balls right)!

What the hell is going on? Have the St. Louis brass jailed some greek god’s mortal son? Have we angered the man upstairs in some way?  We sacrificed our classical music station for you! What more do you want dammit?!! What’s that? …You want another sacrifice? You want the perfect scalp of KSDK’s Mike Bush? Jesus. Um…I mean “dang”. But God, if you take our Mike Bush who will report the four “good” news stories each night? We’ll make you a deal: KSDK’s Leisa Zigman and KTVI’s Charlie Marlow instead of Bush. You think about it.

Until then, Paul McKee told us to tell you that if you level a few buildings by lightning strikes in North City that would be awesome.

via KSDK and STLToday

What?! It happens!  Sometimes people move to the city.  Maybe they are athletes or maybe they just want to fill their Foursquare feed with more hipster places…either way, it happens.

Here are some tips from Punching Kitty skewed towards people from the area that are moving to the city. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

10. If you called it Missou-rah, that’s fine. Stop now though.

9. We’d like to say “Get rid of your truck.” but we can’t. Lots of people have them, though we aren’t sure why.

8. If you’re from out west, this is a black guy:

They’re cool, so you be too.

7. Hey, nice trendy neighborhood! …Guess what though, 6 months ago an old lady was shot so someone could steal her food stamps 2 blocks away from your fancy place. No matter how many tapas restaurants you have in walking distance, it all St. Louis. You want to be an uppity little bitch about your neighborhood? Move to Ladue. Otherwise, don’t compare neighborhoods you don’t know about. City veterans hate that.

6. Cardinal games are great when the “trip” home is all of 10 minutes max.

5. You want to eat a restaurant? Tons of options. You want to go to a grocery store? Your options are too ghetto or too fancy. The county still has us beat on this one.

4. This is an example of two dudes kissing. It doesn’t happen all the time, but if you wander by Manchester & Sarah on a Saturday night, we don’t want you to be surprised.

Again, they’re cool, so you be too.

Click through the jump to read the top 3!

Read the rest of this entry »

Some random site that reported that Mars (the candy company) said that St. Louis is the 6th manliest city, so it must be true. Web sites just don’t make things up for links you know?! …also did we mention that there is a secret Air Force base under the Edward Jones Done? The entrance is in the gift shop where no one would think to look.

Via the “Top 50 Manliest Cities” study, COMBOS® – the hearty, pretzel and cracker snack made with real cheese – examines what makes a city manly and ranks 50 major metropolitan areas using criteria such as number of professional sports teams, popularity of power tools and frequency of monster truck rallies. Cities also lose ranking points for emasculating characteristics like the abundance of home furnishing stores, high minivan sales and subscription rates to beauty magazines.

St. Louis was only topped by, in descending order: Nashville, Charlotte, Oklahoma City, Cincinnati, and Denver.

Other notable placements were Phoenix at #22, New Orleans at #27, Las Vegas at #28, Boston at #38, Chicago at #46 and New York coming in at the bottom-feeding, no-chest-hair-having #50.

So ladies from other parts of the country…look at your home town…now back to St. Louis…now back to your home town…now back here. The Arch is now diamonds. I’m on a Clydesdale.

via Best Places.net