The Globe Democrat reports that a St. Louis Metro Police prisoner decided to end it all while the cops were at lunch or something recently.

The 32-year-old woman was taken into custody around 2:00 p.m. Tuesday in the 5400 block of Southwest Avenue for an outstanding bench warrants. She was taken to the south patrol area station where she was being held.

Around 3:00 p.m., the victim was found hanging in the holding cell. She had used an item of her clothing to hang herself. Police said they immediately took the woman down and contacted EMS. She was taken to a hospital where she was pronounced dead.

Ok, we’ll admit this is pretty odd.  Maybe the “south patrol area station” is also called “south patrol put broomsticks in places you won’t like station”, but if not that, we can’t think of why one would want to just up and hang yourself with your undies out of nowhere.

…wait.  Was this person really really really stupid?  Because if they were really really really stupid that could be the reason why they decided to hang themselves with their underwear.

According to police, the woman gave police the name of a relative instead of her own when arrested. However the relative whose name she used when falsely identifying herself turned out to have outstanding bench warrants.

Ok, so yeah. She was a moron. This broad decided to “fool” the cops my giving them a name of someone that had several outstanding bench warrants. Good job. The only better option would been if she would have told the cops “Look over there!” and then in the confusion she walked 5 feet to the right hoping the cops wouldn’t turn their head to the left slightly.

Someone this stupid probably wasn’t even trying to kill herself. She probably thought she was hanging her close to dry and forgot to take them off.

We at Punching Kitty love being in the city during the spring. Walking down the streets of the Looop, with that cool nip in the air that makes it so you can’t decide if you should have brought your coat. Looking at the shine of the streetlights coming off the rain puddles on still on the streets from the night below takes your focus to the point where you don’t even see the little bitch about to sucker punch you as you walk past the Subway.

I was dressed in athletic shorts and running shoes, carrying a gym bag and wearing headphones because I’d just left the new Club Fitness over the old Blockbuster.

It was very nice of your group to move out of the way without me having to say anything or really even make eye contact for more than half a second. Perhaps you felt I should have said “Pardon me, kind sir,” or simply “Sup,” because when I was walking away you ran up from behind and punched me in the jaw, knocking my headphones and glasses off and making me very pissed off.

God sometimes we really hate people.

The problem of Roving Retarded Children or RRC is one that has a long history in St. Louis particularly in the areas of: The Loop, Central West End, Midtown and select chunks of South City. It involves anywhere from 3-8 retards standing around, usually around a door and also usually around an inexpensive eating or refueling establishment, Quiktrip, or in this case Subway. Most of these groups appear to operate on the idea that people are scared of them for some reason, and when people aren’t, they tend to lash out in an attempt to make people scare of them. The sad fact is this though: They are still retarded and you aren’t. You can get in my face with your adolescence all you want, but its not scary and you are still retarded. Sure you may say you aren’t, but you’re in a group standing outside of a Subway at 9pm, not eating sandwiches…guess what? You’re retarded. Also, know that retarded people don’t know they are retarded. If they did, they wouldn’t be retarded (wrap your head around that one).

So what can we as a non-retarded city dweller do about RRC? Sadly not much. Your best options are to stay alert and remember that no matter what they do, at best these retards will be greeting you at a Wal-Mart visit in 20 years. Sure, when you remember who they are and begin to kick the crap out of a retarded 41 year old Wal-Mart greeter when they offer you a cart, people will think you are the asshole, but you’ll know the truth and so will we.

via Riverfront Times

Watch out Rams, apparently you can get fined now for stinking.

A state court jury in Jackson County, Mo., returned an $11 million verdict Thursday against industrial hog producers Premium Standard Farms Inc., a subsidiary of Smithfield Foods, and the privately held ContiGroup Cos. (previously Continental Grain) in favor of residents living near the defendants’ 4,300-acre factory hog farm in northern Missouri.

The verdict, covering 11 years of damages, is the largest monetary award against a hog farm in an odor nuisance case.

Damn dude.  A Million a year for stink.

In addition to the Rams, the following other people or organizations should really watch out because the precedent is now set.

• 1380AM’s Kevin Slaten.
• Anyone by the name of Bruce.
• People with bluetooth ear pieces.
• You, if you made more than 3 tweets about the Oscars last night.
• The Schnucks on South Grand
• Guys that bring air horns to every event.
• Dudes with leather jackets and really nice tennis shoes that come ask you for a dollar.
• The owner of Papa John’s. (No one cares that  you can throw a football.)
• People that say “Fixin’”

via St. Louis Business Journal

[Editor's Note: The picture of the Gorilla might be the coolest photo ever featured in a Punching Kitty post.  That is all.]

What is the world coming to when we can’t even trust ladies that take their clothes off and grind their snizz against diseased brass polls and diseased old dude’s faces in the worst city in America for a stack of dollar bills that looks like a lot to them but adds up to $23 dollars if you know math to be a good mother’s to their children?!

A Metro East mother is accused of leaving her 3-year-old daughter to wander a hotel alone while she went to work at a strip club.

Patrice Johnson charged with endangering a child and drug possession. Workers at a Caseyville hotel told police they found the girl wandering the hallways in just a shirt and underpants.

Well there must be an explanation for this…

Police said Johnson claims the father of the child was supposed to be watching the girl.

A ha!  So that the father is the real villan here…but of course no one was actually watching the child since she managed to walk the halls of what I’m assuming is a really nice hotel all by herself with slightly more lower body coverage than Donald Duck.  So either this baby was the product of immaculate conception or stripper mom just pointed to the first guy in the lobby she thought he banged once for a cigarette and said, “Yeah that’s probably him. Make sure he puts your pants on.”

To find the real culprit, the police have asked Maury Povich for assistance in finding the true father/babysitter.

via KMOV

The Globe Democrat is reporting on a “prank” that is giving everyone fits at Mizzou:

University of Missouri Columbia students spoke out at a Town Hall meeting Monday night after an incident at the Black Culture Center early Friday morning where someone left cotton balls on the ground in front of the building.

Oh I get it.  Because all the black kids that go to Mizzou were slaves not long ago and picked cotton!  …oh wait. Half these kids probably didn’t even get the lame joke until someone explained it to them.  Nothing is funnier than a joke that needs explanation or references events from over 100 years ago.  Hilarious.  Sure this is offensive, but its more offensive that someone thought this was going to play on some level.  This is like telling industrial revolution jokes.

University of Missouri, Columbia Police tell Globe-Democrat.com that they are investigating but at this point have no arrests.

Wait what?  We covered how this was offensive in multiple ways, but last I checked there is nothing illegal with what was done here.  We let hicks tell two guys they don’t know that they can’t get married for god sakes.  Dumb? Yup. But that’s how it works. This is America and we let people do all kinds of offensive and uncool shit all the time, which the founding fathers wanted to do because we assume George Washington was into all kinds of freaky, messed up stuff.

I don’t think civil rights are going to come in to play here because I’m not exactly confident that the Mizzou authorities are going to track down the un-funny perps:

Police said although there is no surveillance video directly in front of the center, they are reviewing other surveillance video searching for anyone carrying large amounts of cotton balls. Investigators are also working with local stores looking into recent purchases of large amounts of cotton balls.

Good thinking Serpico.  While you’re looking in to that, I’m going to go check in to the kid that recently made this for her mom:

No doubt her or her teacher were involved.

Lets face it.  Hoosiers love football.  Its not like Nascar where only hoosiers like it, but still…hoosiers love football.

Ya think any of these totally liberal and culturally understanding fellas were a tad taken aback by the impeding sale of the Rams to some guy that didn’t look like them?

Here’s a fun game! Go to the first post that broke the story on STLToday.com (here) and count the number of times some STLToday moderator had to remove someone’s comment for being “off topic.” That’s how many douche bag racist ass holes are in our midst!  Fun huh?

The Buffalo Wild Wings near Mid Rivers Mall in St. Peters was evacuated today after a bag with a “suspicious” device inside was found.

St. Peters police and fire and the St. Charles County Bomb Squad were called to the restaurant at I-70 and Mid Rivers Mall about the suspicious bag around 10:00 a.m. inside the business.

All of the employees had to evacuate the building until the bag was removed.

No one was injured and the restaurant reopened after about an hour.

Turns out it was a Speed Stick.  Please people don’t just leave your deodorant laying around in St. Peters.  New things that smell “funny” scare them.

I’m kidding!  There’s nothing explicitly wrong with wanting to live in one of thousands of similar looking houses that are all equidistant from a Walgreens and a Red Robin.

via KSDK

Its no secret to us that they have a blog for everything these days, but its still hard to believe that there is a blog out there that counts down horrific events to people and places and then tries to spin it as god dropping the hammer for some perceived slight against the world.  You know, horrible things like finding someone attractive that they don’t agree with or telling them to shut up when they are spouting hate-speech.  The nerve!

Sunday’s target?  Lebanon, Missouri. From the blog GodSmack:

THANK GOD FOR THE GODSMACK TO LEBANON, MISSOURI!  GOD SENT THE SHOOTER!  An 8-year-old was left to roam the house after his father, former gangster Todd Johnson, shot his mother and brother, then left the house, crashed the car, and killed himself.  What a sight!  In June 2008 the officials of Lebanon aggressively and lawlessly prevented the obedient watchers of Westboro Baptist Church from coming to that community with the only words of hope and truth, to wit, obey God, stop your proud sinning, or He will curse you.  Now the wrath of God has poured out on this little community, by this awful event that the local paper says has sent waves of shock and disbelief cascading across the area.  WORSE AND MORE IS COMING!  We pray for more visitations of God’s wrath on this disobedient nation.  Praise God for his righteous judgments in this earth!

What a giant piece of shit.  This guy’s “god” sounds like one of those f*cked up Roman gods and blow each other and rape mortal chicks.

Secondly, here is my drawing of this guy:

Thirdly, this is my drawing of this guy being decapitated by the smoke monster from Lost…who apparently is from Lebanon.

In case you were wondering, our “savior” at Punching Kitty is Scott Baio.  Last we checked he was totally cool with Lebanon, Missouri….plus he banged Pamela Anderson in her prime…and he’s always in charge, just like a good deity should be.

You know that package with the baggie of cocaine you were expecting?  Well it was accidentally delivered to the Franklin County Assessor’s Office.

The Union Police Department was contacted Thursday afternoon after a mysterious powdery substance turned up at the Franklin County Assessor’s Office from a Pacific resident. The powdery substance turned out to be a controlled substance.

This story gets better, because apparently the Assessor isn’t exactly hip to the jive.  When he saw the white powder, he didn’t do the tv cop thing where they just stick their finger in there and then taste it. [Editor's Note: That's what she said!] No, he called in HAZMAT!

The Union Fire Department and a Hazmat team responded to secure the substance while the building was placed on lock down.

No no no no…not done yet.  This gets even better!  There was a return address!  On a package with cocaine in it.  The cops called them up and were all like ”Hey dude, you sent us a bag with white powder.  This pussy thought it was Antrax, but it was just cocaine.” and then the guy was like “Yeah, just cocaine.  Wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.” and then the cops were like “Ok, cool.” and hung up.

Brune said the resident who sent the envelope and “powdery substance” was contacted and explained to authorities that there was no implied threat. The person said the bag of drugs was hidden in the envelope without their knowledge.

At this point no charges have been filed because…and its the damnedest thing…they couldn’t find any of the cocaine after the HAZMAT team got in there.  When asked how this could have happened, the HAZMAT team released this statement:

Sowewentintheretohelpoutbutitturnsoutitwasjustcocaine. Butthere’snoneleftbecausewehadto…uh…uh…blowitup. Yeah.  Wehadtoblowitup. Wethoughtitwassomethingelse.  Itsgonenowthoughsothere’snopointinlookinginmycar.

via KSDK

We already talked about this, but we found the video and just had to share.

Turns out after this incident occured the Rams said it was all on purpose!  They claim the two fans signed up for something called the “Rams Quaterback Experience” which entails you getting badly hurt while an actual Rams offensive lineman watches.