If we pretend for a moment that exiled-Post Dispatch columnist Jerry Berger still writes his own “gossip”, then we could say: Jesus Jerry! Is this really the best way you could “report” on the passing of Deanne Lane, formerly of KSDK’s, husband passing away suddenly?

It’s been a great week so far, any way you look at it (provided you weren’t looking at it from Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea or the house of Centene communicator and former television anchor Deanne Lane, who is mourning the sudden death of her husband, consultant and avid golfer Greg Goodrich

That’s freaking horrible. “Today is the best day ever! So great! Today is so awesome…unless you are this dude here, who’s mom got ran over by a golf cart this morning.” Then follow up by comparing Lane’s husband’s death to life inIraq, Afghanistan and North Korea? Good call. It’s probably just like living there. Really slick (guy who writes for) Jerry Burger.

Can’t wait to hear about the District Whatever Representative that went to one of your friends’ restaurant openings. Super exciting stuff.

via Our Tipster and BergersBeat.com

“I love Detroit.”

That was former Kansas City Royal, Oakland Athletic, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankee and current Detroit Tiger Johnny Damon yesterday after turning down a chance to be traded back to the Boston Red Sox team he helped bring a World Series Championship to in 2004 after sweeping the Car…ugh. Blockquote to break the painful memory anyone?

The Red Sox claimed Damon on waivers this week, but he had the right to veto a move to Boston because of a no-trade clause in his contract.

“These guys really like me here,” Damon said Tuesday, adding that he spoke to each of his teammates individually to be sure he was wanted in the Tigers’ clubhouse.

Jesus. Everyone knows you’re a liar and just don’t want to go back to Boston because the fans were mean to you while rocking pinstripes. Wanna know why? Because Detroit sucks dude. Totally sucks. As in “worse than St. Louis” sucks. When people visit Detroit they always step on their tip-toes like they are trying to quickly walk through a puddle. Going downtown has got to be like driving around in Grand Theft Auto but with less people on the street to hit.

“I feel like we’re not out of it yet,” he said. “At least we can make some kind of run.”

No Johnny, Detroit is not going to make the playoffs.

Damon said he’d like to play in Detroit next year too, but “there’s no guarantee.”

…that Deroit will even been there next year? First smart thing you’ve said all day. We hear their homeless are nearing completion on their Homeless Deathstar made out of shopping carts, old coats and used condoms. There’s one exhaust duct you can shoot to destroy it, but its all gross and you’d have to get up close. Just give them Detroit.

[Editor's Note: Some posts are actually about St. Louis, while others are about us looking down our nose at shittier cities. It's called variety. You're welcome.]

Photo: Johnny Damon’s Wife. Ah! Now you get it.

via ESPN Boston

Since when do we listen to 14 year old girls? Have they proven themselves trustworthy? No, they haven’t. 14 years are the epitome of dramatic little creatures that will lie for attention. “I heard Sarah say that Bobby thinks your ugly.”, “Love that skirt Katie! …whatever.”, “The janitor touched me!” You can’t believe a word 14 year old girls say! First off, Allen the Janitor is a saint! You can’t have a mustache, jeans jacket and a blacked out window-less van with a bag of Butterfingers in the back and not be a lovely gentleman. Secondly, who would believe a baboon got loose just because a girl had a photo on her cell phone?

Everyone it turns out.

Cell phones can get on the internet now and easily download a photo…like say of a baboon right? Thought so. Just checking.

Authorities say a report of a baboon or chimp on the loose in a Florissant subdivision was a hoax.A 14-year-old girl who claimed she saw the animal in her backyard and snapped a photo told police this afternoon that she actually found a picture of a baboon on the Internet and took a photo of it on her computer screen, police said.

Florissant police said the department spent much of the day investigating the incident.

A baboon was running around Florissant?! You believed that? What amazing detective instinct led you finally realize that a baboon running around Florissant wasn’t real?

The girl’s mother had provided the photo of the baboon to city officials and news media. But an identical photo can be found in an Internet search and the story began to unravel.

It only “unraveled” then?  Jesus. A freaking baboon in Florissant?! A baboon. In Florissant? None of this seemed at all strange to anyone?!

It gets better…all it took was one photo of a baboon to yank that mask of sanity right off the face of Florissant, Missouri.

Another woman who said she owned a monkey was walking around with a net, hoping to catch the loose animal.

Yes, save us all with your net. Maybe after this mystery hop back in the van with Shaggy and see if you find that ghost pirate ship that’s been trouble the people of O’Fallon Gulch.

One woman, who did not want to be identified, said she owned a monkey. She made baboon-like noises and scattered Lays potato chips and Cheetos on the ground in an effort to lure out the animal.

But what “baboon-like noises”? Here’s video…which by the way identifies the woman, with her clearly seen face, and the reporter calls her “Joe”. No one keeps their sources like STLToday!

Those of you looking to now kill yourself for being apart of this society, we’re meeting at the Shop ‘n Save parking lot on Gravois tonight at 8:15p.

via STLToday

Get ready recently widowed women who’s husbands were in the business of something we don’t like! You are one boring Saturday with us having posterboard and markers laying around from us getting in your face! Missouri has re-legalized funeral protests.

U.S. District Judge Fernando Gaitan ruled the laws violate the right of free speech guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution.

Gaitan concluded Missouri officials did not demonstrate the protest restrictions served a significant government interest nor that they had been narrowly tailored to prevent the harm of interruptions of funeral services. The judge wrote he was sympathetic to the argument people attending a funeral deserve some protection but noted a federal appeals court already had previously rejected that argument.

Why would we have this rule and why is this even newsworthy that the previous law has been overturned? That would be the lovely people of that same church the protested the St. Louis Lady Gaga concert. (See Some Dumbass Church Will Be on a St. Louis Hate Speech Tour This Weekend and Bigots Picketing Lady Gaga at Scottrade Center)

[Missouri Attorney General] Koster also plans to appeal Gaitan’s latest ruling, said spokeswoman Nanci Gonder.

Isn’t that something you just that have to say when you lose a legal case? “We’re going to appeal! All the way to the supreme court if we have to!” It seems to be said every time without fail. No one ever just says “Well shit. Whatever!” or “Eh. They were right anyway.” but it sure would be refreshing.

Of course, baring any un-written lawyer rules, “Eh. They were right anyway.” is what Koster should have said. Yes, protesting a funeral, especially because they were simply gay rather than a serial molester or Nazi, is messed up, but free speech is both good and bad. You gotta have both.

The move here is pass a law that says anyone protesting funeral can’t press charges for physical non-weapon related violence on the funeral grounds.

While you’re at it, add a rider on there to pass a law that says ass-less pants are cool at Walmart. You can’t sell jeans and scissors and not expect that kind of thing!

via Yahoo! News

[Editor's Note: This news item took place in Buffalo, but its too weird and too namesake-related to pass up.]

It’s always the “routine traffic stop” that manages to catch the sickos and one of those little moving violation miracles happened again in Buffalo, NY recently when the meows of a cat from a guy’s truck alerted the authorities to the fact that this guy was planning on eating his cat.

When Ferry-Fillmore District officers pulled over a car driven by Gary L. Korkuc on Sunday night during a traffic stop, they said they heard a cat crying from inside the trunk and investigated.

The cat, according to police, was in a cage “marinating” in a mixture of crushed red peppers, chili pepper, salt and oil.

The marinade was a nice play. Probably trying to solve the age-old problem about guys never liking to eat pussy kitty. A marinade! Of course!

[Korkuc] told police the cat had been “mean” to him, authorities said.

Korkuc also claimed that the cat, named Navarro, was “possessive, greedy and wasteful” and was upset because Navarro managed to get pregnant despite the fact that Navarro had been spayed…and was a male.

Fair enough on the last point. We also forbid animals from flaunting the rules of nature in our headquarters.

Navarro is now doing fine and will more than likely be put back up for adoption…probably to a lady with 46 other cats and it will spend it’s time sitting around thinking if being eaten by Korkuc, who ended up with one charge of cruelty to animals and a ticket for running a stop sign, would have been better.

via BuffaloNews.com

Remember that movie Minority Report where the police have psychics that can see the future and stop people from doing stuff before they do it? The future is now. Thank you Facebook.

10:18am “Thinking about stabbing this guy in front of me with my fork.”

1:32pm “Cleaning out my fridge! Can’t fit a cut up full-size woman in here will all this left over Chinese food! LOL”

3:45pm “School’s almost out! Hope I don’t forget my gun tomorrow. Better sit it next to my backpack tonight so I don’t forget.”

…that last one is kinda real.

All the old people can shake their fists all they want at “social networking”, but participate or not, kids put everything about themselves on line these days, and this time it probably saved some lives.

A 15-year-old Parkway Central student is in custody and accused of making threats against his school and classmates. Another student saw his Facebook page that contained what she thought were some disturbing messages, so she contacted the school. Officials then contacted Chesterfield police. The 15 year old was taken into custody Friday after police investigated his Facebook page and questioned the teen.

What did the kid say? Was it that “homework is lame”?

An official with the school district said the page contained photos of weapons. One student says the page included a photo of one of the Columbine shooters.

Police are not saying what exactly the threat was. What they are saying, though, is that the student was planning an attack on the school and students.

That’s all?! Pictures of weapons, threats and being a “fan” of teh Columbine shooters? That’s all it takes to get questioned by the police these days? Geez…people are so touchy.

…no. In all seriousness, that’s pretty amazing horrible. It’s cool though. Parkway Central is all over this:

The school details those measures in a letter heading home to parents and staff.

Yeah, that ought a do it.

via KPLR

[Editor's Note: Feel free to follow our possible future law infractions on our Facebook page: facebook.com/punchingkitty]

Here’s a few quick notes in the aftermath of Brandon Phillips’ testicles finally dropping. Turns out they were behind his vagina.

1. If Phillips’ balls finally made an appearance, they went right back up inside after Yadier Molina got in his face.

2. Brandon Phillips drives the douchiest car imaginable. Naturally.

Not more than a few days ago, Yahoo! Sports dropped this little nugget about how the now famous Brandon Phillips: He drives a big purple expensive douche-mobile!

3. There is reason to cheer for Phillips.

Read the rest of this entry »

We know St. Louis doesn’t come up with all the new fads ourselves, but we still get some joy when we somehow manage to create our own little version of that fad.

We have our own Snookie from Jersey Shore!

Check out this mug shot!

She’s got the look…check! Weird name? Well she’s less than 100 years old and her name is Agnes…check!

But does she “party”? You bet! KMOV’s description reads:

Agnes Rybak, 20, was charged on August 6, 2010, with unlawful consumption of an alcoholic beverage.

Check!

Cincinnati Reds’ Second Baseman Brandon Phillips got a little nicked up playing the Cubs recently, but when asked if he would ok for the big Cardinals series Phillips had this to say (according to daytondailynews.com):

“I’d play against these guys with one leg. We have to beat these guys. I hate the Cardinals. All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them, they’re little bitches, all of ‘em. I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear – I hate the Cardinals.”

Yup. It’s pretty clear Brandon.

*Clears throat*

Who the f*ck are you calling a little bitch? Is this the guy who is such a douche he won’t even talk to certain reporters because they dared to question his hustle earlier this year?! Jesus christ…lets get something straight, hitting a career .268 with an .317 OBP doesn’t make you a star worthy of blowing off reporters and talking this level of trash, it makes you barely average. Don’t forget dipshit that your career was pretty much over when the Indians gave up on you, trading you to the Reds for a bag of balls and a fungo bat, probably because your an ass-wipe, but also because you were supposed to be good, but managed to piss away your talent in to being a league-average player and an All-Star bitch.

How did you do yesterday? 0-5 with a strikeout. Cool. Just checking.

Dude, Scott…what’s up with your boy?!

Um Scott Rolen, the apparent leader in the Reds’ clubhouse…you down with this shit dude? Even if you twist this in to somehow not being a dig at you and the 48 other ex-Cardinals on the Reds roster, then at least its gotta piss you off taking cheap-shots in the media at your buddies right? You gonna take care of this?

Tony LaRussa picked up on this little nuance himself, pointing that fact out to Fox Sports Midwest’s B.J. Rains last night after the game:

Upon hearing the quote, one Cardinals player asked, “Has Tony (La Russa) heard this?”

The Cardinals manager apparently had, telling the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: “I don’t think that will go over well in his own clubhouse. Phillips is ripping his teammates – Scott Rolen, Miguel Cairo, Russ Springer, Jim Edmonds – all the ex-Cardinals over there. He isn’t talking about this year. He is talking about the way we’ve always played and those guys are old Cardinals. Tell him he’s ripping his own teammates because they are all old Cardinals.

That’s cool man. Get the Cardinals jacked up for the game, it might be just what this team needs to get that spark going.

Oh…and Pujols would like to see you for a moment Brandon.

[Editor's Note: Yes, we make fun of the Cardinals all the time, but they're our Cardinals. Brandon Phillips can suck our balls.]

Here are our top 3 favorite current St. Louis Craigslist Missed Connections pick-up lines from the fellas:

3. “in the shower?” – m4w

if u clicked on this chances are it is u i am looking for we joke about it often but never actully get in there but i wouldnt say a word if u really did get in there and to tell the truth i would like it i am quite sure let me know something that will make me know this is u

…um…wow. One more time maybe…

if u clicked on this chances are it is u i am looking for we joke about it often but never actully get in there but i wouldnt say a word if u really did get in there and to tell the truth i would like it i am quite sure let me know something that will make me know this is u

Link

Didn’t help. If you can understand this, go bang this dude ladies…he is your soulmate.

2. “I Need You Now” – m4w

I need you now, come to my office………..I’m alone

Hell yeah! Awwwww….just girls. Figures! Did we uncover some secret message passing system from adulterers? Also why did he have to explicitly say he was alone? That’s not implied? Is “I need you now, come to my office……My mom is here.” something that could reasonably happen in this relationship?

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1. “Dr. Babenstein?” – m4w (babesville)

You, were sitting in a plastic chair “fighting the beats” as i slid into a deep lunge and punchdanced my way into your heart. listening to you wax intellectual on the subject of mature industry was delightful AND informative. i told you one of these days i was gonna sweep you off your feet so you better be prepared. im talking like, you better wear a sweatband everywhere in case things get intense! if you fit the description of the total babe that im talking about, why dont you throw on those babe shades and go for a windy walk with me? im pretty sure you know how to get a hold of me if you wanted to. mebbe u and me and HL could go on a bike ride? fun times will be had by all!

sincerely yours,
hink-o-tron 3000

There was also a photo (right). There’s nothing I can say to make this better, just keep reading it and let it’s magic wash over you.

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