Could retired Arizona Cardinals quarterback and St. Louis demi-god, Kurt Warner, is rumored to be in the next set of has-beens/trying-to-bes on the ABC show Dancing With the Stars.

Kurt Warner, formerly of Arizona and St. Louis, who is reportedly under consideration for the fall season of DWTS. So reports Lisa de Moraes, the Washington Post’s television columnist from the annual summer critics tour.

While DWTS has previously hosted running backs (Emmitt Smith), wide receivers (Jerry Rice) and defensive linemen (Warren Sapp) , Warner would be the first quarterback to be a contestant on the show.

This news is of course just a big giant, gift wrapped, wet dream to the St. Louis Warner faithful and of course KDNL (ABC 30) who gets a ratings windfall by showing Kurt Warner dancing like a moron with some hot chick that he will undoubtedly require a balloon to be in-between them while dancing to prohibit any un-pure “reactions”.

Prediction: Warner will lose, but frankly that’s the way to go. Show up, do a few moves and get the hell out of there before whatever happened to NFL legend Jerry Rice happens to you:

via Fanhouse

Well kinda. It’s more like the real first pitch that goes to a celebrity at a ballgame and then the 14 other “first pitches” that they give out to retarded children.

Guess which one St. Louis is in that metaphor?

The buddy-cop comedy is set in New York, so the Big Apple gets the first bite, on Aug. 4. But the next day, Will and Mark will jet to St. Louis and walk the red carpet for local fans.

A pat on the head and an “Atta-boy! You Almost made the ball go forward. Maybe try again a few steps forward…eh, can you just go hand it to the minor league nobody we had called up for this?” for those local fans.

Chosen from an online poll through Facebook, St. Louis took the top spot and now it all goes down this Thursday (August 5th) at the Galaxy theater in Chesterfield, which of course is a great location to show big Hollywood stars how metropolitan St. Louis is. “On your right you will see every fast food chain ever and a Best Buy…to your left…a big stupid field.” Anyway, it all starts at 6pm and the movie will start at 7.

As for the movie itself: “Hi I’m a wacky Will Ferrel character, wacky with a heart of gold. Hi I’m a stern Mark Wahlberg character (Say hello to your mother for me.) Here’s the one memorable quote from this movie! We’ll never be able to work together as partners. Oh wait, yes we can. The End.”

via STLToday, who sucks

I know you think we here at Punching Kitty spend our “down time” doing extreme things like kicking lions or swimming in the Mississippi with our mouths open, but from time to time we might sit down and enjoy the more stagnent side of life by enjoying a spot of TV. Keeping in mind the whole “kicking lions” thing we said earlier, we aren’t afraid to say we watch Project Runway. The one problem with Proj. Run. is that its kind of always the same…New York, weird designers from the coast, or “hoosier” designers from somewhere in the middle.

Imagine our surprise though when we found out that not one, but two, of the up-coming season’s contestants hailed from St. Louis! We’ll be sure to keep you non-watchers updated on their progress later on, but lets just start out with some basic “hellos”:

A.J. Thouvenot

A.J. currently works for local fashion label TrashBiscuit, is 26 and has fabulous emo-kid hair. He, like all of the season 8 cast, has a Project Runway bio page.

Michael Drummond

Michael likes really open collared t-shirts, is 31 and is currently working on his own as a freelance designer. Here is his Project Runway bio page.

The new season start on July 29th, on Lifetime.  Lifetime makes it easy to watch the show and then catch a few stories about how men cheat on, beat and rape everything that has a vagina beating out the last of your manhood…unless you kick lions right after of course.

We’ll see you gentlemen at the zoo.

Editor’s Note: This post was sent to us from a guest writer, Lance K. I gotta say when I first read this, I thought “I don’t remember writing this!” so I thought this was the perfect post to ease in our Guest Author feature. If you have any interest in guest authoring a post here, drop me a line at editor@punchingkitty.com

…also love that he’s clinging to the “VP Fair” name. We are too.

Tips For Chicagoans Visiting St. Louis for the VP Fair

* The VP fair is this weekend, so downtown will be a hellish menagerie of boorish suburbanites, grifters, confused tourists and gangsters. Being from Chicago, you likely won’t notice. Also, please remember it’s “VP” not “VIP”. I’d explain what it means but no one here really knows for sure. It’s some sort of quasi-cultic frat prank gone mainstream – that’s all we can say for sure.

* St. Louis is like Australia for Chicagoans. Just remember that if you get lost while in STL and have to choose between going north or south, choose south. Always err to the south.

* If you’re using public transit and you get lost, wait for a bus and ask the driver if he’s heading toward the train. 50% of the time he will be. If you can get to the train, you’ll be able to find just about anything.

* If you’re not using public transportation and you want to go to Forest Park on a gorgeous holiday weekend, change your mind and use the train. People from west county go there on the weekends, and all of them drive massive SUVs. You will not find parking and will spend the entire day watching Finding Nemo through the back window of an Expedition.

* Find Cherokee street and have lunch. If you see antique stores, you’re on the wrong end. Head west until you hear Tejano music. Get some tacos at La Vallesana and poke around the hipster doodad stores. You’ll see a little store that seems to sell only cotton balls and white t-shirts. Things are not what they seem.

* On Saturday morning go to Tower Grove park and follow the trail of granola moms to the Farmers Market. There will be music and fresh crepes and amish men selling beets. There will be children laughing as they splash about in a fountain on a beautiful, warm Saturday morning. Pretty girls will walk by lugging yoga mats while a man who looks like Allen Ginsberg considers his carrots. You will sit on stone steps in the dappled shade while life careens and darts around you in a never ending swirl of colors and light. There will be goat cheese.†

* Find Fred’s Six Feet Under. Bring ears and a personality.

* There’s a place called Crown Candy that would be fun to visit as long as you are escorted there by someone who knows exactly how to get there.

* The City Museum is our Shedd’s Aquarium. If you tell people you’re visiting St. Louis they will all recommend you visit it. Upon returning everyone will ask if you went there. It’s really the only thing we have that isn’t a down market copy of something in another city. We’re very proud.

* If you go to the top of the Arch, be sure to describe the experience to a native St. Louisan as they have likely never had the experience.

† Upon further reflection, I’m starting to think the guy who was selling the “organic mushrooms” from a blanket on the outskirts of the market was *not* a real farmer.

Its not a lot of time, but that’s all it took New York Times reporter Dan Saltzstein to find 12 notable items for the world to visit if they happen through the gateway to the west you now just fly over since very few planes actually land here anymore.

St. Louis is more than just a Gateway to the West. The famous arch, of course, is still there, along with plenty of 19th-century architecture and an eye-opening amount of green space. But St. Louis is a lively destination in its own right, full of inviting neighborhoods, some coming out of a long decline and revitalized by public art, varied night life and restaurants that draw on the bounty of surrounding farmland and rivers. Add to that a mix of Midwestern sensibility and Southern charm, and you’ve got a city looking to the future.

Good. We fool’d em. Just kidding we’re good people with fun stuff going on here, its just hard to see sometimes through to large piles of shit dotting the area. How did Saltzstein come away so cheery from his St. Louis  encounter? Lets look at that travelogue shall we?

1. Cherokee Street

2. Soulard

3. Iron Barley / FSFU

4. SweetArt

5. Botanical Gardens

6. Pappy’s

7. the Citygarden

8. Forest Park

9. Local Harvest Cafe

10. the Royale

11. Winslow’s Home

12. Washington University

Well now this makes perfect sense! If you stick mainly to South City and don’t venture much more west than Wash U and no more north than Delmar, St. Louis is pretty damn amazing. If you go past those boundaries though, barring a few oasis-type exceptions, you’ll have to burn that shirt because the stink just doesn’t come out of your clothes.

How many of those activities have you done? We’re rocking a respectable 9/12, but other’s, as evidence on the Reddit comment thread, aren’t as good:

I live in Saint Louis and have done, like, 2 of those things…. #

Just for that guy, we set up a little map of the New York Times’ travels if you want to start really experiencing St. Louis, or if you have someone coming to town because they accidentally fell out of their plane headed for a real airport.

View New York Times: 36 Hours in St. Louis in a larger map

Link to map: http://bit.ly/bO7tdB

via New York Times

Bill Keaggy is an interesting guy. Usually people that are described as interesting are guys that do Civil War reenactments and say in character way too long, or collect weird stuff. Keaggy falls in the later bucket and one of his quirky collections is landing him on the national late-night show Jimmy Kimmel Live (not to be confused with Jimmy Kimmel Taped Earlier Today, which is the name of the pilot we’ve been pitching. Call us!)

Announcing his booking to talk about his collection of grocery lists and his book on the collection called “Milk, Eggs, Vodka,” on the late-night ABC program via his Twitter feed, Keaggy said:

Keaggy will following Dakota Fanning and have Korn as his musical accompaniment on Kimmel which will, once again, air on July 1st.

Also of note is that Dakota Fanning now looks like this:

…and is only 16 currently. You perv. We were just posting the photo as a point of reference. Don’t save this image to your computer. Don’t! Don’t you dare right-click it and select “Save As”. That would just be wrong.

Step Brothers? As in…

Two aimless middle-aged losers still living at home are forced against their will to become roommates when their parents get married.

See? (move your lookin’ balls right) Its true, though still unbelievable.

The only way to explain this is…well, there’s no way to explain this. Wait: weed.

There, we explained it.

Oh and Ron? It’s your face. And I, again, you know, you’re doing great, man. This is the Catalina Wine Mixer Cardinals Post Game Press Conference. We’re all having a great time. Everybody’s having fun. You pulled it off. Alright? But if you don’t change your face, I’m gonna change it for you.

In what’s being called “the biggest news of your life,” the video mashing comedy stylings of Everything is Terrible! is headed back to St. Louis on July 2nd, with the debut of a new live show and their new movie entitled “2Everything2Terrible2: Tokyo Drift”.

Never heard of them? Good thing we have this blockquote for you.

Everything Is Terrible! was started in 2007 as a way for a group of friends with a serious VHS habit to swap footage. It has since evolved into a full blown internet phenomenon, appearing on Videogum, Gawker, Buzzfeed, The Daily What, The Huffington Post, The Onion A.V. Club, Boing Boing, NPR, MTV, Web Soup, and G4’s Attack of the Show! We were even in some newspapers (whatever those are) called the Chicago Tribune and LA Weekly.

Although there is still some distance between us and the show, we thought it would be a good way to kill time generically awesome to show you some of our top 5 Everything is Terrible clips.

1. Watch out for a knife in the face!

2. The first thing you need to know is that the internet is amazing.

3. We love Duane!

4. Final warning this. (By “this” he means his crotch)

5. It’s time for cat massage! (You had to know this was coming.)

Taking a break from a full set of posts today because its a holiday and this CSI marathon sure the hell isn’t going to watch itself.

I did want to post up something though, and for your holiday post you get a chance to watch something too. Friend-of-the-site, Bill Streeter has released a trailer for his new documentary “Brink by Chance and Fortune” which is about the lovely brick buildings in St. Louis and the history of that industry and you watch see below.

Our favorite part is when the little professor guy talks. He’s magical.

Can’t wait to see the whole thing later on this year!

The show many, including all of us at Punching Kitty headquarters, have been dissecting and mulling over for six awesome years finally came to a close Sunday night in a tense and dare we say, tear educing ending. Then, just as the show faded to black with that familiar Lost white lettering, while you were just taking that deep breath and turning to the person next to you on the couch to talk about it St. Louis Lost fans heard a familiar but out-of-place theme song ramp up: The Simpsons.

Confused? You weren’t the only one.

Although reactions varied on Twitter, confusion reigned.  Allow your buddy Punching Kitty to shine some light on things.

You see ABC is a big network and has lots of good solid affiliates all around the country, affiliates that will gladly show Lost as long as they have a break before showing the Jimmy Kimmel after-show special. St. Louis isn’t one of them though. KDNL, the St. Louis ABC affiliate, canned it’s local news long ago…and what is a local affiliate with no local news to show in the 25 minutes between one of the most epic finale’s of all time and the after show talking about one of the greatest finales of all time?

The Simpsons of course!

Do you think that they could have maybe used the time better? Maybe with a local after-show where St. Louisans can respond to the TV event to keep the thrill going until handing off to Kimmel? Nah…they’d rather just show a rerun of a show that made as little sense as possible so that people would be confused and change the channel.

Well played KDNL. [Editor's Note: Come to think of it KDNL, you might not understand sarcasm, so what we really mean is that you are retarded.]