Twenty-seven year old, Latasha Jewell McFarland of St. Louis County, pleaded guilty to prostitution charges including convincing a 13-year-old runaway to go be her whore. Latasha seems like a great little lady but if she’s this good at convincing people to whore it out, she should use her powers for good and call Heidi Klum.

[McFarland] told the girl last summer that she could earn $100 for each sex act that she engaged in, Assistant U.S. Attorney Noelle Collins said in court. McFarland posted pictures of the teen online, bought condoms, arranged the meetings and drove the teen to hotels along Interstate 270, Collins said, taking half of the girl’s money for her trouble.

McFarland also “encouraged” the girl to go to orgies, which sounds gross because no hot dudes like ourselves go to orgies. Only giant fat gross guys go to those things, so it was probably either a lot of “encouraging” or very little “encouraging” but also a gun. …It just occurred to us that the hooker is only 13, so gross or hot dudes really doesn’t matter that much does it since the physical appearance of a molester can run the gamut. Yikes. This is awkward. I mean you all think she sounded 18 though right? 3′s are so close to 8′s.

You think we’re in trouble? You had any young-looking hookers lately?

Asked after the hearing whether the teen’s customers could face charges, Collins said that in general, the FBI tries to identify and pursue customers who had sex with minors.

Woah that would suck to be on that list right, completely unrelated but we haven’t used that photo in a while, John Petrzborn?

Totally.

via STLToday

A former band Director for the Alton school district has been sentenced to six years in the joint for having, what KMOV is calling an “affair” with a 16-year-old student.

According to the Madison County State Attorney’s officer, 36-year-old Matthew Lang has to serve 85% of his sentence. He must also register as a sex offender.

Police say Lang had sex with the student more than once during school hours. Some of the encounters occurred at the school and others happened at locations away from the school.

Even more creepy, the guy has a mustache and a chinstrap beard. Gross. How do you drop of your 16 year old daughter in to this guy’s care for band practice when he looks like this?! Let me guess, you didn’t have to drop her off…Mr. Lang picked her up from your place in his window-less van with outside-locking doors and that big back of Snickers in the back.

Lang worked his way up from creepy janitor to band director by convincing the Alton school board he would be, with out a doubt, the best guy to teach high school girls how to blow in to something to make noise. Apparently Lang’s a moaner.

Ok, that last line even grossed us out.

…still gonna leave it in though.

via KMOV

It had to be something this heavy for Derrick Washington, the stand-out running back, to be mysteriously suspended by Mizzou head coach Gary Pinkel last week. Division I college football coaches generally don’t just “indefinitely suspend” one of their best players for the something like library fines, and sure enough, the rap on Washington is a way worse than library fines…unless you broke in to the library after dark and put your penis in the books without asking, then it would be about the same.

A campus detective’s probable cause statement filed Monday says Washington entered the woman’s closed bedroom while visiting her roommate and allegedly assaulted the woman while she slept.

A July hearing was delayed at the woman’s request and the case appeared dormant after both Washington and the alleged victim failed to show up for the rescheduled hearing. But prosecutors continued to investigate and Washington’s family has hired an attorney.

Good try Derrick by going with the “ignore it and my sexual assault charge will just go away” defense, but it appears Columbia’s prosecuting attorney is a stickler for things like humping sleeping girls. You might have to try out the “don’t you know who I am?!” defense…check in with Dan McLaughlin about his shot with that.

“But when can he get back on the field?” asks the sicko college football fan less worried about the players penis-stabbing girls than about the Big 12 standings:

School policy says that athletes charged with a felony cannot return to the field until the case is resolved. With a Sept. 23 arraignment hearing, Washington will miss the Tigers’ first three games, if not more.

To his credit Gary Pinkel is taking a hard stance on his teams recent “issues”:

“The buck stops here with me,” Pinkel said. “I am embarrassed, and disappointed. Hopefully we can get this cleaned up.”

…and if not, he’ll just bail out to the NFL before any of the penalties get close to him. Pinkel’s going to look great as a Seahawks assistant coach.

via: Rivals.com

Photo Credit: Jeff Lautenberger

A Metrolink security guard was the only injury after being grazed by a bullet early Tuesday at the Shrewsbury Metrolink station.

The bullet came from his own gun.

This guy either spent lonely night after lonely night noodling the fringes of physics or is so dumb he eats his own poop.

When we contacted the National Dumbass Security Guard Union, they only replied with “This is why we usually only give them flashlights. Why would you give an untrained, minimum wage worker a gun? What horrible place would need to arm people like that?”

Apparently she has never had the pleasure of riding the Metrolink back from a Cards game pressed up against the glass door by a burley and creepily quiet gentleman with dried blood on his knuckles right out of a prison rape scene. …two more stops…two more stops….

via KMOV

William Fry of Alton has been charged with Criminal Damage to Property Over $300 and violating a restraining order. Also, if anyone has a comb…no? That’s alright. Thanks for looking.

Authorities say Fry’s ex-wife reported to police that extensive damage was done to her home. She was away from her home when the damage was done.

Authorities said the damage appeared to have been done by a vehicle being driven into the home. Evidence from Fry’s vehicle gave police the probable cause to take him into custody.

The victim had an active order of protection against Fry at the time of this incident.

We don’t know how much over $300 dollars of damage ole Billy did with his clearly cherished car, but seeing as we’re talking about Illinois and these people are the kind of people that get married and then decide running your car into the other’s home is the move we’re guessing…trailer tipped over…at least 3 pink flamingos destroyed…and the George Forman Grill plugged in outside will probably not be able to correctly grill both sides of her Hot Pocket again. Gonna have to flip that `Pocket over half way through.

That’s no way to live.

via KMOV

If you didn’t like the last 34 stories about how St. Louis ranks high in crime rate, well guess what?! Still true. Maybe you should move.

Don’t move to Camden, NJ though. They are the only place worse than us. Which means the worst has happened…freaking Detroit did better than us in this list. Super. Weak.

The newly release book “City Crime Rankings 2009-2010″ not only has a great catchy little title, but also lots and lots of PDFs with numbers and letters on them, all saying St. Louis is the 2nd-worst crime city behind the Goodfella’s home base in Camden, NJ.

The purpose of City Crime Rankings is to serve as a resource for researchers, city and law enforcement officials, and the community. The book provides the means by which individuals can compare local communities to other similar communities through comparison to the national level of reported crime as well as crime rates per 100,000 of individual types of reported crime, violent and property crime categories, and overall crime.

The crimes tracked by the UCR Program include the violent crimes of murder, rape, robbery, and aggravated assault and the property crimes of burglary, larceny-theft, motor vehicle theft, and arson. These are also sometimes known as “Crime Index” offenses; the index is simply the total of the eight main offense categories.

The overall city crime rankings top 10 are as follows along with our assumed reason:

1. Camden, NJ – Gangsters and the Situation. That would make us want to kill someone too.

2. St. Louis, MO – I think it might be the proximity to Illinois.

3. Oakland, CA – Not sure, but my research of watching the movie “Friday” 10 years ago tells me that Deebo might be on the loose again.

4. Detroit, MI – No way are they really this low. Where are you hiding the bodies Detroit? Tell us! Someone poke the Lions’ offensive line with a stick.

5. Flint, MI – Wait. Maybe this is where Detroit put the bodies.

6. New Orleans, LA – Having permanently pruney hands for the last five years would make you stabby too.

7. Birmingham, AL – Hey everybody! Wanna go to Birmingham?! …didn’t think so. That general attitude probably has something to do with it.

8. Cleveland, OH – You did this Lebron James. Yes, this data is from last year, but that just means they knew it was coming.

9. Jackson, MS – Both sides till bumming about that whole slavery ugliness.

10. Memphis, TN – It’s Memphis.

Go blind reading all the data at os.cqpress.com/citycrime/2009/CityCrimeRankings2009.htm

Who wouldn’t want to wake up to that face in the morning? Apparently this snooty broad from Belleville who got all uptight when she woke up to see a homeless guy (above) standing in her room.

According to police, the man was found inside the home in the 100 block of East Monroe last Thursday. The Victim woke up, screamed and the suspect left her room. Officers came and arrested the man without any incident.

Sure its not the holidays for another few months, but can’t people just let a guy sneak in to their house while they sleep and then creepily and calmly stare at you until you wake up? Dust to dust man! We’re all people on this earth, just trying to get along, stay warm and find a good place to steal some silverware for drugs after rubbing one out while watching strangers.

The intruder was charged with one count of criminal trespassing. The woman was sentenced to never being able to sleep soundly again.

via KMOV

After pleading guilty yesterday in a St. Charles court to knowingly  exposing someone to HIV, Charles W. Benjamin, has been sentenced to eight years in prison. Benjamin is currently serving another 8 year sentence for the exact same crime in Lincoln County.

Police said Benjamin had unprotected sex with a woman in St. Charles County numerous times between December 2007 and June of 2008 without telling her he was HIV positive. He has known he was HIV positive since March of 1998, police said.

Prosecutors in St. Charles County said the woman has not tested positive for HIV.

There are two questions we have with this story…

1. The maximum sentence for this type of crime is 15 years. Weird as it is that this kind of thing happens enough to warnet an official max sentence, its weirder still that this guy somehow didn’t get the maximum 15 years? Is there a worse way to kill a woman with your wang? Do you have to be convicted a few more times to get the max?! Twice isn’t enough? Does he need to tape syringes to his penis next time if he wants to hit the sentencing tilt?

2. How did we manage to go through high-school strking out with the ladies but Beardo McAids over here is apparently the casanova of more than a few zipcodes? What game could this guy be spitting to continually get ladies in the sack to give them the Aids? Seriously. We’re interested in knowing his game plan. Sure we have no problem getting ladies when its warm enough to take our shirt off and bench press a few homeless guys, but winter is right around the corner and we would value the assistance of a CyrAIDSno de Bergerac.

Eh. Nevermind. We don’t have enough time to practice that “You’ve Got Aids” barbershop song.

(Confused? Click through the jump to see the video.)

via STLToday

Read the rest of this entry »

The Coast Guard, which traffics rivers too apparently found a human torso floating in the Mississippi River Sunday just blocks from the Anheuser-Busch Brewery.

It is unknown if the torso is that of a man or a woman, or how long it may have been in the water. The body will be sent to the medical examiner for further investigation.

Um…the torso wasn’t enough to tell if it was a woman? Bummer. Might have been suicide then.

Also, if a dead body floats down river to St. Louis do we still have to count that violent crime on our total? That really doesn’t seem fair if so. Tell you what…we’ll count it has a half.

via KSDK

[Editor's Note: This news item took place in Buffalo, but its too weird and too namesake-related to pass up.]

It’s always the “routine traffic stop” that manages to catch the sickos and one of those little moving violation miracles happened again in Buffalo, NY recently when the meows of a cat from a guy’s truck alerted the authorities to the fact that this guy was planning on eating his cat.

When Ferry-Fillmore District officers pulled over a car driven by Gary L. Korkuc on Sunday night during a traffic stop, they said they heard a cat crying from inside the trunk and investigated.

The cat, according to police, was in a cage “marinating” in a mixture of crushed red peppers, chili pepper, salt and oil.

The marinade was a nice play. Probably trying to solve the age-old problem about guys never liking to eat pussy kitty. A marinade! Of course!

[Korkuc] told police the cat had been “mean” to him, authorities said.

Korkuc also claimed that the cat, named Navarro, was “possessive, greedy and wasteful” and was upset because Navarro managed to get pregnant despite the fact that Navarro had been spayed…and was a male.

Fair enough on the last point. We also forbid animals from flaunting the rules of nature in our headquarters.

Navarro is now doing fine and will more than likely be put back up for adoption…probably to a lady with 46 other cats and it will spend it’s time sitting around thinking if being eaten by Korkuc, who ended up with one charge of cruelty to animals and a ticket for running a stop sign, would have been better.

via BuffaloNews.com