After the post about a family raping and pretend marrying each other, we needed a hot St. Louisan to cut the gross.

I present to you the Jenna Fischer Chaser:

Hat tip to Xeni of BoingBoing’s Unicorn Chaser inspiration.

Everyone knows by now that have the world’s supply of popular 80s icons named Corey has been dropped by half after the news yesterday of Corey Haim’s death that made the world stand up and say “Oh yeah! …Wait, which one was he?”

But did you know that there was a late-life connection between Haim and St. Louis?  …and it was right under TMZ’s nose!

Seen on the right and below, looking like he took an overdose of cool rather than horse tranquilizer or whatever is Corey Haim rocking the t-shirt of the band Unset. which is on the St. Louis-based label Gridiron Records!

If that name sounds familiar, its because it should. Former Ram Kyle Turley is cranking out music these days and is also a Gridiron Records artist.

Having your band’s t-shirt on the front page of TMZ attached to the biggest celeb story of the day is some nice promotion and very convenient that Turley’s record was just released Tuesday…

Do we think Gridiron Records saw these pictures were taken and because of that had Haim killed and then quietly leaked these photos and the news to TMZ?

No, we don’t.

But that would be pretty god damned metal of them if they did.

…technically the word is that he is “taking a break” from his wife…but come on dudes.  We all know what that means.

Jerry Burger took a break from talking about people no one gives a damn about and posing for photos like one of those 6 year old beauty pageant girls to actually break a story:

Sports broadcaster  Joe Buck, 42, and his wife,  Ann,  are separated “They’re taking a break,” said Joe’s mom, Carol Buck.  Buck, the son of the late legendary sportscaster Jack Buck, helms “Joe Buck Live” on HBO and continues his chores on FOX.

As far as “other women”, selection at Fox Sports ranging from the rough-looking Jeanie Zlasko to…well all kinds of decent tail.  Which of course there is a blog all about! Sideline Hotties has a whole section for the women of Fox Sports!

Enjoy.  That goes double for you Joe.  You dog!

[Editor's Note: This post was pretty much all made up because we don't know much more than Burger does. If you have any info to share on this, hit us up on tips@punchingkitty.com!]

Update:

We missed Deadspin’s take on this yesterday that had this little nugget:

On March 1st we received a tip from a friend of the family who said something similar but we spoke to The Agency last week, which represents Buck, and they denied any separation and said Joe and Ann are “not even close” to getting a divorce. So maybe Buck’s mother is a little confused.

We’re thinking she’s not confused, but maybe was not counting on Jerry Burger figuring out his computer.

Do people laughing at their own jokes and saying “um” a lot make you want to give your money away? Great! Because Bob Costas is going to have Jimmy Fallon host his benefit at the Fox Theatre on April 17th.

Deb Peterson of the Post Dispatch took the time to copy this paragraph about Fallon out of the press release:

Fallon is a Saturday Night Live alumni with a versatile comedic style that has enabled him to be involved in a diverse line-up of television and film projects. He currently hosts Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, which airs locally at 11:35 on KSDK-TV (Channel 5).

In addition to the talents listed above, his farts sound like giggles and smell like cinnamon.

Bryan Burwell wants you to leave professional athletes alone!  Why?  Because you “fans” are all horrible people! …I mean not all of you, but enough that he feels its ok to blame us all for the bad ones.

I have to laugh when I listen to or read the voice of the outraged fan who now believes that he is entitled to more out of Woods than he has already given. Entitlement doesn’t look good on anyone, and the truth is, too many fans are just as guilty nowadays as the players they often scold for the same behavior.

In Jupiter all week, I have witnessed it firsthand. I have watched impatient fans lining up behind the parking lot gates every morning and afternoon. Most of them are well-mannered and grateful to get an autograph, a photograph or even a handshake. But there are others who are not so nice.

They scream at the players, they scream at the manager. From behind the chain-link fences that ring the practice fields, they jockey for position with all the decorum of a rugby scrum.

So we should give a pass to athletes that are horrible people just because other people are horrible too?  That’s akin to saying “Well yeah the guy murdered 15 infants, but he’s not the first!  …get out of here you little scamp!  Are you free to babysit this weekend?”

We wanted more on this issue, so we prodded Burwell and in turn he sent us this video clip to further his case:

We’re not sure that helped.

via STLToday

Rams running back / the only player that matters had some of the weight lifted off his shoulders as the Las Vegas police have dropped the investigation in to the claims of his former girlfriend that he beat her while she was nine months pregnant.

Investigators found insufficient evidence that Jackson, 26, attacked Supriya Harris of Mableton, Ga., in March 2009, Las Vegas police Officer Barbara Morgan said.

“Our investigation is complete,” said Morgan, a department spokeswoman. “I don’t think the time passage was a factor here. We contacted the victim, the accused and witnesses. There’s insufficient evidence to go forward with the case.”

Morgan said the case will be closed, and that records relating to the investigation would not immediately be released.

Though there is still the matter of the clivil case, this is a huge deal for Jackson who, to his credit, has handled this well stating in a release that it was no guilty of the crimes and the process would speak to that.  So far so good for Jackson and, in turn, the Rams.

In a related story the Rams are terrible.

via The Canadian Press (for some reason)

You know that girlfriend you had in highschool that wasn’t bad at the time but looking back she was actually kinda chubs, but it doesn’t really matter because you were kinda chubs too, but in college you slimmed down and ended up with a pretty hot new girlfriend and you would always go home and see your old girlfriend because you are her were still cool and then one day she was like “Hey can you come to this thing?” and you were like, “I’ll try but I have to do this stuff for my hot wife.” and then you didn’t show because you had other important things to do and you were just really being nice by saying you would try, but then the old girlfriend was all like “You suck.” and you were all like “Umm, why are you so pissed?” and she was like “I don’t know why I ever liked you, you are a jerk…just kidding I love you.” and then you were like “You’re crazy” and then got mad and was all “Nevermind I hate you and I with I would have never done that thing  you like with my thumbs, your right ear and that piece of salmon.” and then you’re like, “Ok, bye” and then she’s like “I’ve always loved you! Why did you leave me” and then you’re like “Um you had your chance” and then she’s like “You got me pregnant” so then you sent a dude over to abort that crap but then you realized that you last dated her 10 years ago so it would be less like abortion and more like child murder which was way more expensive so  you call it off but it turns out that she was lying and just started dating your friend so then you are like “Stop calling me”?

Well in that story you are Pujols and that old fat girlfriend is Kansas City.  …minus that abortion stuff.  I’ll be honest with you the wheels came off the analogy for a second there.

Too bad baseball’s best player didn’t come to [the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum’s Legacy Awards to] make it better. The museum gave him two awards. He accepted neither in person, and didn’t record a video thank you like several others who couldn’t show up — and like he’s done in the past.

Pujols was in Kansas City this weekend, you know. He worked a hitting clinic and signed autographs for kids at a facility in north Kansas City on Sunday.

Maybe there’s more to Pujols’ absence. He’s under no obligation to do anything but play his best for the Cardinals, of course, and it’s murky waters whenever somebody starts telling somebody else how they should spend their time.

But it’s not unreasonable to expect Pujols – with his Kansas City ties and status as the game’s best player – to at least let the museum know of his plans.

When he doesn’t, what choice does it give fans but to assume he blew them off?

That was an excerpt from Sam Mellinger’s blog on the Kansas City Star’s website.

“Oh please Pujols please love us!  Remember how you are from here?  Good times huh?  Sorry we passed you up in the draft 13 times, but everytime we get the chance we are going to jump on you because you didn’t make one award show out of the like 400 awards you win every year.”

Chill the hell out.

Everyone wants Pujols to go to everything.  He can’t though.  It really doesn’t matter what city its in.  I invited him to my last birthday party and he didn’t show but you don’t see me crying about it.

Jesus.  It’s come to this.  St. Louisian Jon Hamm hosted Saturday Night Live last night and dropped the old “Where did you go to high school?”  line to a national audience. Missed it?  We have the video below:

Yes, we know its just a line in one of those “last few of the night that really aren’t that good but if we don’t let the new guy get a sketch he’s written on the air soon he’s going to kill himself” sketches, but still this is getting out of hand.

I feel like we let you down.  We were right on top of Matt Holliday’s wife, but we missed new Cardinal starting pitcher Brad Penny’s sexier half!

Luckily Cardinals Diaspora has it covered.

Wait, Brad Penny? The Pitcher?

I did a double take too, friends. But it’s true. And lucky for us he decided to take his babe to Turks & Caicos last week and have her play catch.

On the beach.

In a bikini.

Here’s to you Brad Penny.  We always thought you looked like the guy from SmashMouth but apparently that works for some broads.  In fact it worked on Alyssa Milano.  Who looks like this:

Jesus, its like this guys privates are made of dark chocolate.

In a related story Ray King recently drew a face on a pillow and named it Sarah.

Deadspin posted a few lovely stories about our big fat basketball coach at St. Louis University, but one just stood out.  Here’s an excerpt (emphasis mine):

“Rick was always a jerk to the managers. Every season he went out of his ways to never learn their names. They were only referred to as ‘manager’. One day, Rick was drawing up a scout in our team room about 2 hours before tipoff. Things were going well, considering he was fully dressed and we hadn’t been referred to as cunts yet. From the white board he started yelling ‘manager, manager, bring a towel over here!’.

“Not knowing what to expect, we sat back eagerly awaiting his next move. What happened next still haunts me to this day. Majerus took the towel, pulled his pants down, and quickly took a dump into the towel, which he was holding under his ass. After he was done he used part of the towel to wipe, wrapped it up, and HANDED IT BACK TO THE MANAGER, and told him to throw it away. The kid looked like a deer in giant Rick Majerus headlights. The whole room was silent. Rick just pulled his pants up and went back to the scout, never once mentioning it or acting like anything out of the ordinary had occurred.”

Dude drops a duce in a towel in the middle of a team meeting?  How does one even think to do that?  This guy is like the complete embodiment of South Park’s Cartman.