Earlier this week we took some time out of our day, pressed pause on our continual Mila Kunis British interview watching, and told the St. Louis media how to fix themselves…and then we waited. Waited for the “Oh you think you’re so smart!” or “You deserve to get more than the usual amount of ass cancer!” emails/comments/tweets to come rolling in, but they never did. Instead we got things like this:
To these we say…get back in your seats, class is back in session.
1. Stop hiring old Cardinals that weren’t all that good in the first place. No one’s getting lead in their pencil over seeing Ron Gant stumble through the teleprompter text, and then try to explain to “Buck from the Ozarks” why trading “Jamie Garcia to the Yankees for Robinson Cano and Phil Hughes” seems like a long shot.
2. Since we know you won’t do #2, at least don’t hire Aaron Miles.
3. Since we know you won’t do #3, make sure you buy a lot of stackable seat cushions for him to sit on. Try to keep a bag of Cheerio’s around to keep him from getting fussy between shots, and make sure you ask him about the times he pitched after every extra inning game. “Pappa Tony” said he likes that.
4. Tell “The Cat” (reporter Jim Hayes) that if we’re all supposed to keep playing along with his hair piece, lets at least switch it up a bit. Maybe one game come out with a Russell Brand-style, and then maybe like a Kid n Play look. It would really spice up those early-August games vs the Marlins.
We know why The Vital Voice wanted to get on our list, and it’s because they know we love The Vital Voice! We know that you know that we know! …but also know this: We can always find something.
Why the hell do you have the weather on your home page? There is no point to that widget other than “Well, we already have three ads on the page!” guilt-based filler. Ditch the weather and just put another ad there, it’s ok because no one is checking the weather there ever ever ever (ever)!
“I wonder if I should wear a coat today? I know! I’ll load up thevitalvoice.com and scroll most of the way to the bottom and look at the right column for the most up-to-date weather information!”
– No one, not even Dieta Pepsi
Maybe, maybe we’d understand if you wanted the weather information just so you could tack on a standard “…with a slight chance of rainbows.” at the end of every day’s forecast, but failing that, it’s time to kill the weather.
Though our audience has been known to overlap on a semi-regular basis, most of your content isn’t always in our wheelhouse. That being said, we’re certainly not going to begrudge you for that. Horny, sports-loving 18-year olds will always exist and as long as they click ads and come back each day it’s no doubt a solid business. There is one thing though: Lets call it a day on the “Girl Next Door” bit. There hasn’t been an actual hot girl on that for what appears to be from your archives, a very very long time. All your proving to us is that we live “next door” to a ton of chicks that look at least drunkenly bang-able with makeup, a tight girls Cardinals jersey and Photoshop. But we already knew that! We didn’t even have to see the girls to know because that list includes every girl ever under 200 lbs and free of horrible physical deformity…well, at least under 250 but not major deformities, like if they’re Philippine or something.
Ok, who else did we miss?