An 18-year-old man checked himself in to the Franklin County jail to serve his 30-day sentence, but he came with a little extra luggage…duct taped and tucked in to his ass. Here’s a hint as to what the tried to smuggle in: It wasn’t a sandwich, which is too bad because a sandwich sounds like a great thing to smuggle in. Just go with one of those stinkier cheeses and you probably won’t even notice the ass taste.
According to Sheriff Gary Teolke, the man confessed to trying to smuggle a quarter-gram of heroin, a bend spoon, a syringe and a lighter wrapped in duct tape inside his behind.
Lets review…he had…in his ass…
1. a quarter-gram of heroin.
2. a spoon*
3. a lighter**
4. a syringe***
* What! ** The! *** F*ck!
What, no room for some post-heroin Cheetos fun size bags, or maybe one of those lumbar pillows? We hear those jail beds are rough. You’re going to wash that syringe first right?
Deputies said the man was taken to the hospital, where an X-Ray confirmed the contraband. But authorities said the suspect was unable to get it out on his own and he refused to have it surgically removed.
Well of course! There’s no guarantee that all those doctors wouldn’t just shoot up all your ass drugs while you were still under anesthesia! You worked hard for that!
Deputies said they sent the teenager home…
Wait, what? You can get sent home from jail because you have stuff stuck up your ass? Isn’t that the point of jail?!
…where his parents eventually convinced him to go to the hospital. He then had the contraband removed by doctors.
If there’s any conversation tougher for parents than the “birds and the bees” talk, it has to be the “please let us take you to the hospital so we can get the heroin removed from your ass so you can go back to jail” talk.
Authorities said they planned to seek charges against the man for attempting smuggling.
But now he knows the secret to get expelled from jail: Shoving things in your butt! Sure you’ll keep racking up smuggling charges, causing your poop to just kinda fall out, and soon you’ll have to be shoving herion-filled sleeping bags up there to keep pace with all the anal stretching, but…you know…no jail. So that’s sweet.