“Oh Punching Kitty! You guys are always so down on St. Louis, but this headline is the worst yet. You know full well that you can stop in St. Louis and you won’t get robbed! This is a huge important city with lots of food trucks, and yes there is crime, but it’s not nearly as bad as you make it out to be! Why don’t you do positive stories about St. Louis, like how we have food trucks, or how awesome it is to sit at a coffee shop you’ve never heard of in South St. Louis that I think is cool because old black people walk by and it makes me feel less like the rich white kid who pays extra for this vintage plaid shirt that I always roll up the sleeves on even though its cold.”
Stupid St. Louis hipsters that email us, or comment on a Reddit link someone posted
Thieves broke into the van belonging to a group of young men from Manitoba, Canada.
The suspects took luggage, cash and cell phones. The van was parked along Memorial Drive Wednesday afternoon while the tourists went to see the Arch.
“We just arrived and got here and found this was a good place to sop and take a few pictures with the boys and then go and find a hotel,” said Michael Hofer.
“We weren’t here for five minutes and we looked and our vehicle was broken into.”
Quick! Someone show them what Toasted Ravioli is! That should make up for their lost clothes, cash and cellphones!
But seriously, can we not even protect the Arch grounds? We know the new police chief is a big fan of the “hot spot policing” program, but don’t you think that if we want people to not think we’re Detroit-level crappy, we should at least protect the area’s tourist destinations, if only to keep up appearances? These guys, lovely Canadian boys, drove all the way down to St. Louis, and no sooner did they cross the city line we managed to kick them square in the nuts. St. Louis somehow managed to get these guys f*cked faster than Kate Upton crawling through a prison on all fours naked. Can’t we at least agree, for the greater good, to just leave tourists alone? Steal from us, or better yet the people that come in from West County for baseball games because they hate the city and think everyone’s a thief already so no harm there, but please leave the tourists alone.
If you can’t tell who the tourists are, here’s a hint: They’re the ones who park their van full of stuff downtown, and casually walk away without looking over their shoulder a bunch of times, only to immediately return to the van to say “I should move this somewhere a little safer.” and then promptly drive it all the way back home to Fenton. You can see the Arch well enough from there.