Dustin Mass and Matt Haney of St. Charles needed some heroin the other day at 3am, and you can clearly tell from the mugshots above these two dudes are in to heroin. Heroin is a killer, but first it forces you to get a cheap haircut and makes you think that stupid facial hair decisions are awesome ideas you should stick with. Scary stuff. Anyway, what’s the plan? Maybe you wander down by the neighborhood Red Roof Inn and see what’s the see (by “see” we mean “steal”).
Warrants have been issued against Dustin Maas, 30, and Matthew Haney, 23, for allegedly stealing a Freightliner truck from the parking lot of the Red Roof Inn in the 2000 block of Zumbehl Road around 3:20 a.m.
Police said the driver of the vehicle was told by hotel employees that a witness saw Haas and Haney smash the window of the truck. The two suspects then drove away and headed toward I-70, according to police.
Alright, good plan! This big ole truck has to have something expensive in it right? Well good instincts guys, because the big refrigerated truck you stole was full of lab rats. $10,000 worth of mice. Of course, they’re only worth that money to a very small subset of people. You can’t just go trade in 10 g’s worth of mice at the pawn shop so we’re not sure what the next move was exactly, but we’re betting it was well thought out and planned because if there’s one thing we know about heroin addicts, its that they are always thinking ahead and never just solely focused on the current moment.
The driver’s company tracked the vehicle by GPS and alerted authorities, who found and took the suspects into custody around 3:40 a.m.
The mice were recovered unharmed, according to police.
You know what would have been awesome though? If when the cops tracked them down they told these drugged out morons that ironically the lab mice in the back were being used in a study to see various effects of high-quality heroin on them…and if they wanted to each eat a mouse they could get a little high before going to jail because cops are cool like that. “Awww no way! Gross! That was a joke dude, ok lets go to jail. You’re crazy man! You are crazy.”
…and so another attempt for the lab mice to escape captivity ends in failure. Good try with the heroin addicts, and we know what you’re thinking, but how are we going to find all that cheese and get Paula Poundstone to cooperate?!