One of those horse-drawn carriages was jacked Tuesday night by a cane wielding assailant who apparently found no cars worthy of stealing or more likely, as this took place downtown, there might not have been any cars left that hadn’t already been broken in to.
The St. Louis Carriage Company driver Larry Turner said he was steering his horse, Harry, back to the company’s stables about 8:25 p.m. toward the end of his shift. He spotted a [Johnny Medina, 40], sitting on some steps, staring at the carriage as he rolled by.
According to Turner and police, Medina suddenly rushed the carriage and tried to jump on after Turner turned south on Eighth Street. Turner said he slapped Harry into a gallop but the man caught up and climbed aboard.
So now the carriage thing makes sense: This is an older gentleman with a cane we’re talking about here! A horse drawn carriage is about all Johnny can catch up to these days. Plus he was raised on all those John Wayne movies and nothing is cooler than robbing a “stage coach”.
“As soon as he got in there, in the calmest voice possible, he said, ‘Don’t look at me, just drive the carriage,'” Turner said.
Nothing weird about that. It’s the same thing we say when we get on anything we don’t drive: cars, carriages, busses, boats, passenger jets…We’re not paying you to check me out! (Don’t blame you though!)
After knocking the driver off the carriage with his cane, Harry the horse seemed pretty unfazed by the whole thing and proceeded to go where it was headed before: Home. Once reaching the stable, an attendant tried to get the situation under control, but quick thinking Johnny Medina decided he needed to take the crazy up to 11 by hopping off the carriage and punching the horse.
Turner, a former jockey who has been driving horse carriages for seven years, said Harry is an “excellent” horse.
“He went home and I knew he would,” Turner said. “He’s tough. He does his job and he’s extremely intelligent. He works hard and he does everything I ask him to do.”
Sadly the carriage owner fired Turner shortly after this interview upon learning that the horse can clearly do the job on it’s own now and will only cost hay and a bag of oats rather than minimum wage and health insurance that covers cane injuries.
After the ordeal Tuesday night, [stable manager, Jenny Holzum] rewarded Harry with a massage.
“He’s a champion,” Holzum said.
Yea for happy endings (we’re not saying that’s what the horse got after his massage…unless Jenny Holzum is a small perverted Japanese woman), but lets take a moment to back up for a moment. What was the initial plan here? Say crazy old cane guy successfully stole the carriage rather than being outsmarted by a horse…what was the next step? Is the a big carriage resell market? Was he going to try driving it to work after gluing a Kia hood ornament to the front? Maybe he just wanted a romantic ride for one! The cool clear tuesday night with a light breeze running through downtown as dusk settles in and the lights of the city start to blink on like the stars coming in to focus as night slowly makes it’s way across the sky…it’s cool to masturbate on those carriage rides right? …if not then this is truly a senseless crime!