After the recent loss of yet another police chief, this one admitted to stealing XBox’s, the federal and Illinois State government finally realized something: East St. Louis is a big pile of bloody shit.
“We are looking at the development of a no-man’s land in certain parts of these communities where there is a complete lack of credible law enforcement,” said St. Clair County State’s Attorney Brendan Kelly, “and the people that live there, their safety is in peril.”
“Uh, yeah. Thanks for finally noticing!” Said the prostitute laying in a pool of her own blood just feet from the podium.
“It has the highest crime rate in the nation,” [U.S. Attorney Stephen] Wigginton said, “Second place isn’t even close.”
In nearby Washington Park, population 3,000, he says seven people were recently shot and killed in a six week period.
“They had ten other people who survived gunshot wounds,” Wigginton said, “So, seventeen people shot in six weeks in a town of three thousand? I would call that lawlessness.”
Lawlessness is cool if it also involves cowboy hats, saloons, and broads in big dresses that push their boobs all up in their face, but when it doesn’t, it’s just sad, scary and smells like a Denny’s. The question here is not whether the Feds are right, but why the hell it took so long for them to say something. It’s not like the it’s been a secret that East St. Louis is a skid mark in the middle of the “whitie tighties”, so did they just assume it would figure itself out eventually, or have they just been arguing over which one of them had to visit East St. Louis for the last 30 years?
We have obtained Illinois State’s 5 step plan to fix East St. Louis:
1. Stop hiring criminals as police chiefs.
2. Actually arrest people.
3. Begin better training for police officers.
4. …screw this. Remember the old Smallpox Blankets Trick from back in the day? You think that would still work?
5. Pizza party in Chicago.