A deer burst out of the wilderness and rammed an Ellisville woman in to a concrete wall, sending her to the hospital. The war has begun.
“It just struck her at a full run,” Metro West Fire District Battalion Chief Mike Krause said. “It’s a tremendous amount of force for a person to sustain. That’s a lot of traumatic force.”
“I’ve never have seen anything like it.”
Way to go hunters! We put up with your weird mix of camouflage and bright orange clothing, and the constant offers of deer jerky, but you’re supposed to reciprocate by keeping the omnipresent threat of a deer uprising in check. So what the hell happened this year? You got too fat for your big fat deer-shooting pants and now women are getting picked off in Ellisville.
The Missouri Department of Conservation estimates about 65 deer per square mile in the area, well above the 22 deer per square mile that the department recommends.
At this rate we estimate the various wooded areas of St. Louis County to fall by late April, leaving the city as the last human stronghold. You’d think the deer would march down Market Street after that, but they’ll probably just settle in West County. The houses have lawns out there, the schools are better and there’s far less violent crime. After a few years we’ll see a bunch of underage fawns trying to get in to the clubs and lining up outside Planned Parenthood on Monday for the morning after pill, but other than that we should be pretty safe here.
Best. Photoshop. Ever.