Everyone has that crazy cousin right? Well not like these Kansas City folks who probably won’t be inviting their Kentucky cousin back to Kansas City for the holidays after he did some wild stuff. Now sure, this kinda thing might sound pretty reasonable for people in Kentucky, but ’round these parts (yes, even Kansas City), it’s pretty “weird” alright. By “weird’ we mean “molester-ish”. Oh, and by “molester-ish” we mean “seriously 100% messed up and totally molester-y”…seriously.
A 17-year-old Kentucky man is accused of running naked into a Kansas City home and climbing into bed with a 6-year-old girl.
KMBC reports the 35-year-old homeowner awoke to the sound of his dogs barking around 2:15 a.m. Thursday and saw a naked man go into his daughter’s bedroom.
The homeowner ran upstairs to the girl’s bedroom, tackled the Shelbyville, Ky., teen and held him down until police arrived.
The tackle, though clearly clutch, was bittersweet however, as while the homeowner might have won the “stay out of my six year old daughter’s room” battle, he lost the “Crazy guy getting full body naked with someone in your house” war. Tackling a naked guy, no matter the reason, is still, when it’s all said and done, tackling a naked guy.
We’re guessing the crazy naked guy didn’t have a car, so he was on foot running down the street, popped in to a house (mark yesterday as the last day that family went to bed with the doors unlocked), and ran up stairs to find a bed to climb in to. Pretty weird behavior, and usually not something that just happens. Normally people “go crazy” and knock some stuff of your desk at work, not strip down and run down the street. How could anyone have not seen this guy losing it?
Two people approached police as they were taking the teen into custody and said they were looking for their cousin. The two said they had locked him in a basaement [sic] after he started acting strange around 2 a.m., but he got out.
Ok…we’d just love to hear the “he got out” part of the story, ahem, fleshed out a bit, but in the meantime two questions! The first one being a two-parter:
1. What the f*ck man?! You’re cousin goes nuts and you lock him in the basement?
No answer. We’re just going to assume this is how all mental illness is treated in Kansas City, and that there’s a serious “crazy basement” over-crowding situation in the spring because of all the spots that are filled with “This is the year for the Royals!” people.
2. Any idea how he went so crazy?
The teen, who was charged with second-degree burglary, admitted to police that he smoked marijuana.
Woah woah woah! You’re blaming pot for naked running and attempted touching of minors?! We don’t think so. Not that “weed” know [Editor’s Note: *rimshot*], but pretty sure marijuana doesn’t generally have that kind of effect on people…unless you already like running naked through the streets trying to find 6 year old girls’ bedrooms, which in that case, you’d still want to do that while on pot, you’d just go a little slower and forget to take off your socks.
The photo isn’t relevant to the story because if it was it would be gross. We ended up going with the super hot Cheryl Cole, who does something special we’re sure, but we don’t know what. It’s gotta be something though, because it’s not like us printing out her picture and taping it to broom handles and the backs of other chick’s heads is a job worth of health benefits or a 401k.