It all started out so normally: A man and a woman were burglarizing a home in Hillsboro, Missouri last Sunday, gleefully picking through a selection of power tools and DVD players in the home’s garage, but to say it got weird next doesn’t quite cover it. Here’s where the train came off the tracks and drove directly in to a tanker truck of crazy, causing a massive WTF explosion: First, the felonious couple decided they needed to have sex. Yeah, right there in the garage they were robbing. Apparently nothing says “Do me!” like a old stolen circular saw, but, and god help us we’d love to know why, Mrs. Burglar suddenly decided to pepper spray Mr. Burglar mid-coitus! Mrs. Burglar then took off their car, promptly driving it into a nearby pond, while Mr. Burglar managed to get up and try to make an escape, but not before he was spotted by the homeowner leading to his eventual capture as he was fleeing on foot, wearing only a raincoat.
These two probably thought this was all going to be some sexy stealing adventure like that movie with Catherine Zeta Jones and Sean Connery, but it cutting back to reality just showed two cracked out morons rolling around on a dirty garage floor.
There are lots of questions here, so it’s time to break this thing down CSI-style!
Issue #1: Why rob the house?
Hillsboro, MO is in Jefferson County. Jefferson County enjoys meth…a lot. Had to have been meth…or a weird sex fetish…which was possibly caused by their addiction to meth.
Issue #2: Why would you start having sex in the middle of a robbery?
One of you steals lube, the other steals one of those big black Maglite flashlights and boom! Sexy time!
Issue #3: Why would you then pepper spray your sexy robbery partner?
You’d think a chick that’s down to get freaky in someone’s garage during a robbery would be 100% down for anal, but apparently there’s a line that some chicks cross…and then another line that none of them cross and it’s guarded by pepper spray.
Issue #4: Why would you escape, but only to drive your car in to a pond?
Broads can’t drive.