According to authorities two men performed a drive-by shooting on a red moped.
One victim was shot in his side while sitting in his car. He is listed in serious condition.
The second victim was shot in the arm while standing on the sidewalk.
The suspects fled the scene.
These are how drive-bys have been done in Europe for years but only now are we seeing this energy-conscious murder method reaching our neighborhood and frankly it’s a welcome sight. We all have to do our part to make our world a better place. Yes, we realize that fool stepped to you, but maybe drive a moped to go kill him and be sure to pull over and get your bullets back out of him for recycling. Every little bit helps.
No matter how green our poorly executed, urban revenge killings become we will never be as green as the noble American Indian. In fact, we should make people convicted of murder eat the guy they killed and make spoons out of their bones. We’re not sure if the Indians did that kind of stuff, but now that we think about it, they weren’t all that great at the “using the whole body” thing. It’s pretty clear that when Indians got to the last scrap leftovers, you know, the feathers, beaks, and little skin flaps left over, they pretty much cheated by looking at each other and saying “I don’t know. We could probably just make a hat out of it.” That’s not really playing fair if you think about it. It’s not as though the hats always had some real protective use, sometimes they were just feathers stuck in some leather or a dried stomach or something. You can make anything in to a hat! All you have to do it put it on your head, and if it stays there for even a second…hat! We don’t think “hats” should count as a valid usage of Buffalo or other victim’s body parts. Shoes? Belt? iPad case? Ok. But a hat? It’s just being lazy and it’s time some one called them on that to dispel this whole “Oh look at them, they use the whole thing!” notion. “Oh my god! Look at that! How did they ever come up with a use for the scrotum? …Ah, just enough for a hat is seems…like a wrinkled little American Indian yarmulke. Perfect. Used it all! That’s the last of it! Go us! We’re super green and junk!”