Doctor, is it a cause for concern if your turds come out screaming while kicking and clawing at your legs? Oh, I see. So your medical opinion is that the reason is needed to go to the bathroom this morning, was not a food baby, but because I was having an actual baby? Interesting. Can I get a second opinion?
Here’s one: You’re also, pretty clearly, retarded.
No joking. That actually happened yesterday morning. In St. Louis. For reals.
A Florissant, Missouri, woman went to the bathroom Tuesday and ended up having a baby. Jane Calvin says she didn’t even know she was pregnant. She screamed for help. Mark Loving, the baby’s father, was in the next room and was stunned to find the tiny girl. He grabbed a towel and called 911.
Calvin says, “I went into shock because I had no clue really, what just happened because I just freaked out.”
WTF? This can’t really…dude. No way. This is so stupid. How do you not know you’re pregnant?! When the kid ends up spending the majority of his time in preschool bangin his head in to the ground and drooling on herself you’re gonna wish you would have popped for the pregnancy pee stick instead of going out all those times over the last nine months.
They considered several names, including Faith, Grace and Destiny. They named her “Faith”. Both parents believe she is a miracle.
Miracle seems like a strong word for this. Pretty sure she won’t think of it that way when someone in her middle school runs across this story. Frankly, they should have just not named her. It will make her much more attractive to her just-a-matter-of-time adopted parents if they can have the honor.
By the way, this looks like the “mother’s” Facebook page which sadly has no updates that we can see, but if you’re her friend we’re guessing it goes a little something like:
Hey ya’ll! Man my back hurts today…has for a few months now.
Man I’m lactating a lot lately. FML.
Ok! Who spilled water underneath me? Not funny.
Wow I must really have to fart! This is the worst gas pain ever and it’s coming like every 10 minutes…
Fox2’s Randi Naughton was all giggly about this story, but you’re with us aren’t you John Pertzborn! This is some gross, dangerous, retarded stuff isn’t it? Show us how you really feel!