That’s it folks. The Reds have won the Central Division and the Cardinals are going home to go hunt or fish or make their jeans in to jorts…whatever all those hoosier Cardinals do. Right fielder Jay Bruce hit a walk-off home run against the Houston Astros to win the game and snatch the Central Division crown off the Cardinals crestfallen head.
Bruce homered on the first pitch from Tim Byrdak leading off the ninth inning Tuesday for a 3-2 victory over the Houston Astros that secured the NL Central title and touched off the long-awaited party in a city where champagne sprays were commonplace in the ’70s and ’90s.
For those that don’t follow baseball closely, the tide turned between the two teams after the Cardinals swept the Reds and then decided to suck donkey schlong while the Reds continued to play baseball and not just curl up in the fetal position and poop themselves.
Good for the Reds though! They won it, and they played baseball when the Cardinals just appeared to not give a crap. The Reds are also a pretty young team and the kids are excited to get that first taste of success. St. Louis fan-favorite Brandon Phillips, for instance, was very excited about taking some foam in the face.
“Everybody is looking forward to seeing me do it,” Phillips said. “I don’t know how it’s going to taste. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
That, Mr. Phillips, is what she said.
While the Reds clinched, 30,ooo people in the stands at Busch Stadium were the last ones to know since the scoreboard was, according to Cardinals officials, conveniently broken. Once the news finally broke though, the Cardinals celebrated by putting Aaron Miles in to pitch which is akin to just deciding to keep wearing the pants you just pissed yourself in because, “What ever man. Who cares at this point?”
In a related story, Jim Hayes of Fox Sports Midwest is fine now after throwing sparks in the 9th inning after being told “No Jim, the Cardinals can’t get ‘right back in the race’ this year.” when he spent the last 5 minutes on “if we could just get Colby Rasmus hot you never know what could happen..” Hayes simply required a reboot and a manual switching in to “we’ll get ’em next year” mode. The switch is conveniently placed underneath his toupee.