It’s been a official for a few days now, but Missouri made all strip clubs suck and turned our state in to the equivalent of a Catholic Grade School dance. No booze, no one can touch each other, we have to be home by midnight, and despite all the asexual rules, the perverts have no trouble finding some very illegal tail.
We here at Punching Kitty are outraged by these lame unsexy laws. Sure its good to see a few of the skanky clubs shut down because no one wanted to see some 50-year-old stripper fling herpes around the place as he get lifted on to the pole, but dammit, want about the good strippers, or the amateur nights? What about the way some fat chick gets pushed up on stage acting all reluctant until you see her get really in to the dancers and you put two and two together? We live in Missouri dammit! This is all we have!
Not all hope is lost though, Punching Kitty has the answer for you in 10 things strip clubs can still do to get along in this Sexual Depression. All within the letter of the law!
10. Unisex bathrooms! Who knows what goes on in there? …not you, the business owner, that’s for sure. Maybe one of the girls feels like dancing. That’s her personal powder room time. Maybe a guy drops a dollar or two while he’s in there. This is all plausible shit.
9. The new laws say performers have to stay on stage 6-feet away from customers. Seems kinda far…until whoops! Stripper falls off the stage in to a lap…maybe there’s an accidental boob graze. Clumsy isn’t illegal.
8. Free Fleshlight with admittance.
6. “Yes officier this is the same building as my old strip club, but now I own a Bed Bath and Beyond. The “Beyond” is extra.” Please note that there is no sex in the “Beyond” room.
5. Thank God for the freaking internet!
4. Convert your strip club to an Outback Steakhouse. This one isn’t a scheme. Outback’s are just delicious.
3. Ever heard of an erotic pizza delivery service? Now you have.
2. You can touch all you want in Second Life.
1. Bribe cops with free dances. Frankly this one seems really simple. Has no one thought of this yet?