Alvin Parks ran for and won the titles of Mayor and Liquor Commissioner of that turd of a city, our neighbors to the east that piggy-backs off of our name, East St. Louis. Throughout the whole process however, Parks never did realize that East St. Louis is, in fact, a pit of booze, drugs, crime and despair. All of a sudden Parks is “fed up” with the situation in East St. Louis, and he’s going to enact a plan to fix it: Move up the ole selling liquor cut off. It is now 1am.
In a statement, Mayor, Liquor Commissioner, Hotel Bellhop and whatever other hats the man owns said:
This notice comes most directly as a result of a sudden rash of major violence surrounding and/or stemming from some of our liquor selling establishments. Up to this point, none of the homicides for 2009 have been directly connected to liquor. We suddenly have two.
Wait…what? I don’t even know what to do with this. “sudden rash of major violence?” East St. Louis. We are talking about East St. Louis. “Up to this point, none of the homicides for 2009 have been directly connected to liquor.” What?!?! How can this stat be said? Do homicides that are directly connected to liquor have to be a murder committed with a broken bottle? Every other murder ever that started with an angry guy getting drunk doesn’t count now? Even if we can agree on that insane premiss, you really think moving the cut-off time an hour or so back is really going to help? …the way we see it, it will just make the murders happen earlier at night.
Yeah, this plan is going to work out great. Get those “two” drunken murders down to zero and East St. Louis will be perfect.
photo credit: The Siren Archive